I did it again, even when I promised myself I wouldn’t. I sent you a one word message last night. “Nope.”
My memory of doing this is not there, nor do I know why I sent it. The feelings and memories tied to you still sit like a brick on my head and my heart. All I can think was I was saying “Nope, it’s not gone yet.”
Of course you did not respond. You do not love me anymore…’disenchanted’ was the word you used once. It stung, but those are the words that continually push me to remove the brick from my heart. It still hurts a lot, all the time. It doesn’t lessen no matter how well all else is.
Some days I wish I could erase it all, but some days I miss you and yearn for you. I wish I did less of the missing and yearning and more of the letting go. It’s not been that long, so I can only hope it will become less and less heavy as time goes on.
You were once my best friend and my whole life, but now we do not speak. That’s the hardest part. You’ve probably moved on to another person, but I try not to think of those things. It’s really hard not to with everything still here. I am eager for the day when the weight is lifted and I can go on.