• Isn’t it strange?

    by  • March 18, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Ahhh this game of love that people like to play.
    So naturally for some, and so very calculating for others.
    Do you know what I am talking about?
    No? Not yet?
    Everybody loves this chase, or so it seems, and it doesn’t even matter if woman or man.
    At least at some point in time, I think we all know what I am talking about.

    I am very good at this game, almost made a study out of it in younger years.
    Yeah I was very good but pretty cold in the execution too. Disappointment had me longing to feed my ego. Ahh god, it felt good to learn my self worth, so much I still feed of it, I still know I can (if I wanted too).
    I found it so very easy – no offense guys, but men are soooooo easy to
    manipulate. So are women though, ah yes, guys know this game just as well.

    What do I do to get him/her to respond like this or that? Ahh yes, a little pout and pulling back, a little this, a little that, and he will come to apologizing not even knowing what for. Or maybe not even really feeling sorry but who cares.

    If you hang with other women, her looks will glare, right? Ahh yes, just a little tug to see how far it goes.

    What is this game? Is it a game we all HAVE to play? Really?
    I know it works. I am well aware what I have to do, to get what, or should I say who I want. In subtle little ways you won’t even realize it.
    I have a Masters in this game, you know.

    No, you don’t know and you will never know. Why? Because I got tired of this game a long time ago. It just doesn’t give me what I really want, and I wonder if it ever does for anybody?

    Greedy me, I want so much more!

    I want to be wanted for who I am without having to play this game. Without hiding little faults that would be so easy to cover. Without pushing you to feel something, you may or may not do. How would I know the truth?
    All of my life I have been the one running, the one saying goodbye or at least the one pushing others to the point of leaving because I simply wanted to. Maybe this is divine payback now? A test a lesson for me? One I know I am deserving of, I know now that I may have hurt people.

    For the first time in my life I am being me, just me, and nothing else. No games and even evaluate my emotions, my responses to make sure I am not hiding behind my own wishes. No, I really don’t. Ahhh and of course I am not getting anywhere, or so it seems.
    Here I am at a point where I just don’t know anymore, even in playing this ‘love game’, would I’d still be somewhat myself – should I surrender and go to the matresses (hope you all realize the Godfather reference here)?

    Should I play and see how far you’d go? I know you would come and get me like a knight on a silly horse. I know you so well, you are so easy to manipulate. A side of you that is so very lovable, but yet makes me pull my hair out too, because so many people in your life are running right over you and you simply refuse to even see it.

    So far I have been nothing but me, silly me, alright. The funny thing is this though, you are so used to games that you assume the same of me while I am not. Not yet! Maybe I should?

    We are so good together, us is absolutely amazing when we’re just us and letting go. We would be so good together, we complete each other with our imperfections perfectly. In so many ways.

    I am battling with myself and only the thought that maybe, if I were to play this very same game everybody else does, maybe, just maybe then it wouldn’t really be your own choice? Isn’t it some kind of manipulation? I want it to be your choice, your free wish, your desire and will, and nothing else. I want you to be the man, the man of strength to defy all odds just because you want to. Strength.

    This love story would go into the history books, you and I.
    Nothing compares, nothing is like this and probably because, all in all, it’s so impossible and too unreal to be real.

    It is very real my love!

    A million times I have tried to tell myself it is not. A million times I have tried to say goodbye. A million times I tore myself apart inside to stay true to myself. A million variations of pain I have withstood.
    A million times I have denied to feel how I feel, and pushed your feelings for me into the dust just to gain strength, just to be able to doubt our feelings (I know now, I may hurt you doing so – sighs, I am truly sorry for that!). I so try to withstand the urge to play, to get you to want me as I want you. I am fighting against our love best I know how because it seems that even though you feel it too, you just don’t want it. But you won’t let go either, dear. You hold on tight, in ways I never thought anyone would go the length to do so.

    I have been stronger then I ever thought possible but I am running out of breath.

    To be or not to be – to go mainstream and play along or to wait for you to realize that indeed I am not playing this ‘game of love’?

    Btw. I know every single time you are playing it though…it makes me smile inside and wonder; don’t you know that I am aware and far from blind. Or maybe you are one of the naturals unaware of even doing it?

    If my knowledge serves me right, it’s a little bit of both and it’s working regardless. I am still here, and despite all common sense, my love for you only grows.
    Don’t push too far, while I am balancing on this double sided sword. My feet are bleeding from standing too long at the same spot watching this world playing their games. Waiting to surrender, to either play along or moving on alone.

    Honestly, I’d much rather surrender into your safe arms.

    I am so very tired of games, so so tired of watching it, and even more so, of being strong.

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