I have got to be the most frustrating person on the planet. I don’t know what I want and I’m driving everyone and myself crazy because of it.
I don’t think he loves me, but I’m not sure, I’m hanging on to the possibility that he does and he’s sticking around despite my psychotic outbursts and freak outs, whether they’re justified or not.
I don’t know anything anymore. Not a damn thing. I want nothing. I want everything. I want only a little – what’s fair.
I’m tired of waling around in a daze. I’m tired of being obsessed, of being consumed with hatred, fear, and sometimes love… I’m so emotionally drained every single day that I can just barely cope.
I want him gone, I want him here, I want to go, I want to stay… I wish I had answers, I keep looking for help but, I know it can only come from within, time… I’m growing impatient I want the answers to show themselves. I want my cards laid out on the table.
I have to get off the fence. I’m too scared though. I don’t want to put myself into any one situation. I’m terrified of being alone, I’m terrified of being with someone who only half cares, I’m terrified that I’ll wal away from the one person who I’ve put so much energy into, and regret it.
What the hell do I do? Where do I go? Who can I trust? Not myself… I can’t trust myself anymore. I’ve made too many stupid decisions, trusted the wrong people, now I can’t tell… Now my gut has those bad vibes about everyone. Everyone can’t be bad… People mae mistakes… The question is though, have they learned, do they regret for real or do they only regret getting caught out?
Please oh please let someone break into my apartment and smother me in my sleep tonight. I don’t know how much more uncertainty I can take. I don’t want to make up my mind. I don’t want to jump into another mess. I don’t want to lose the guy I’m so deeply in love with either though.