I fell in love with you. It’s just that plain and simple.
We started out 3 summers ago just getting to know each other, texting and calling on almost a daily basis. I was 19, and you were the first guy to really show interest in me. You were everything I was looking for. And we got along so great…when I was having horrible nights, you wouldn’t let me go to sleep until you had made me laugh and feel more positive.
Last Christmas, you mentioned marrying me. I thought you were just joking around. But then you brought it up again the next day. Two months later you asked me to be your valentine. And three months after that, you leaned in to kiss me, which would have been my first kiss, had you gone through with it.
All of last summer, we talked about dating. You told me that you thought about dating me a lot over the last few years. I knew you had had your heart broken in your last relationship, and figured you didn’t want to rush into another one unless you were sure. I thought you were going to be my future. I wanted it so bad, but I was willing to wait.
And then in the beginning of November, you started talking to my best friend. She’s more than a best friend to me…we live together, work together, do everything together. We rescued each other from heartbreaks back before you entered the picture, and that cemented her and me together from the start.
And now you two are dating. And talking about getting married. And having kids…which she never wanted until you. You have made her a better person. She fulfills you. You two have an amazing relationship, and I am so happy for the both of you. But while the two of you are blissful, I am continually heartbroken.
When she talks to you on the phone at night in the room next to mine, I can hear through the walls…hence why I routinely fall asleep listening to my iPod…the pain of remembering your voice is too much to bear.
When I cover the end of her shift on Saturdays so that she can drive 3 hours to visit you for 24 hours, I do it because I love her…not because I enjoy the agonizing outbreak of raw pain, racking sobs, and lack of hope that come every time her car pulls out.
When her phone beeps with a new text message from you every 2 minutes all day long, that little tone shoots a tiny bullet through my heart, screaming all the way “you weren’t good enough”.
When she talks about how great of a kisser you are, and how you hold her just right, and how much time you spend holding hands, I am torn between throwing up and slitting my wrist, while I smile, of course.
And the strangest thing is, she knows how much it all hurts me, and she helps me to heal. She doesn’t want me to hurt, and she does everything she can to make me feel better. And I would never ask of her to give up you. I WANT the two of you together. But I want to be happy too.
I have to move on from wanting you. Soon, I will be the Maid of Honor at your wedding. I will make a speech about how great the two of you are together. I will smile and laugh and enjoy how beautiful you look together. And it will be such a joyful occasion for me. But that night, I will bawl my eyes out, like I have been doing several nights a week for months now.
I only hope that one day, I will find a man that I can love more than I love you, so that the piece missing from my heart will be less noticeable.