• Im not even sure.

    by  • March 17, 2012 • Confusion • 1 Comment

    i don’t know what to write. I have no idea. I feel like there’s too much, maybe because there is.

    I Hate myself strongly. Not how i look. Who i am, i would love to be a mute, to never talk because the right words are never said. i lie to myself. i can’t admit anything to myself. My “friends” take advantage of me. because no matter who you are or what you have done. i always forgive people because i believe everyone makes mistakes, some make more than others, but it’s gotten to the point where i forgive everything and everything. i trusted 2 of my friends with 2 different secrets they both told people. i know they told, but they don’t know i know. and they get mad at me for not trusting them. but they always tell. these people i call friends are fucking lies. they say they love me. but it’s bullshit cause they would treat me right if they did. i have ptsd. which i’m not gonna say why. but they know. and they always make jokes about it which could lead to me breaking down and screaming in public. I know each one of them have called me a slut. but yet again they don’t know i know. everyone considers me the “popular girl” EVERYONE because i’m the girl that is always smiling and laughing. and the one who cheers everyone up. i’m not gonna lie i’m very trustworthy to anyone and everyone who needs someone to talk to. but i’m not trustworthy to myself. i’m always there when my friends are crying and broken. but they’re never fucking there for me. never. i could cry for days at at time if someone was there to fucking listen. but no one is. i can’t fucking tell anyone my problems why? because i feel bad i feel guilty for it. i feel like they shouldn’t be comforting me. but in reality they should but they don’t try. i’m stressed behind fucking exams and school shit i have no time for social problems. if you asked anyone. everyone would say i have millions of friends, because i’m “popular” i have energy i’m always laughing. but i don’t have millions of friends i have fucking lies. i have 2 friends. not lies 2 friends. i’m not allowed to talk to one of them and once again i feel bad telling him my problems. the other one she has enough problems of her own but i help her. i have millions of lies. i don’t trust anyone.

    my mom cheated on my dad and i know about it. i live with the man my mom cheated with. i live with the woman who ruined my fucking childhood. my dad moved away. he’s my hero. i’m not allowed to talk to him but do behind my mom’s back. she’s not a mother. she always guilts me into things.

    i don’t date cause i’m afraid of the pain. i’m scared.

    so to all you lies i hope you have an amazing life by ruining mine but that’s okay because if all of you 6 can have great lives by ruining mine, that’s fine with me.

    One Response to Im not even sure.

    1. elle
      March 18, 2012 at 11:03 pm

      dont let other people ruin your life. Just Don’t. You diserve to be happy, everyone does. Maybe you just need to try making new friends. Ditch the ones you have now because they sound like they are way too absorbed in their own lives to care about anyone else arround them. You can be happy, and you can love your life and who you are. It might take some time, but you will get there one day, and that day will be here sooner than you know. Just try to meet some new people, don’t be too quick to trust but don’t have huge walls that people can’t get through either. The most important thing you have to do is realize that you are a great person, you care deeply for those arround you, and you will find people who care deeply for you as well. People care, you just have to let them in.

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