• If You Ever Cared…

    by  • March 17, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Disappointment • 0 Comments

    I’m not sure what it was about you that made me first fall. Maybe it was your adorable, dorky smile. Maybe it was the way your laugh sounds like a giggle, no matter what. Maybe it was the way you always made me laugh, or how I feel I could open up to you. Whatever it was, it didn’t take long for me to fall for you.

    And then there was that night. When you invited me over to “watch movies,” and before I knew it, you had kissed me. It was the first time I felt upset about moving away to college in just a couple of days. But I moved all the same. You continued to talk to me, and soon enough I let it slip that despite the fact that I lived two hours away from you, I was crazy about you.

    You told me you had feelings for me too, and all the sudden I felt like I was in the middle of some whirlwind romance. You treated me like I was a princess, and you often told me I was your princess. You asked me to be your girlfriend, and I was thrilled. We made the two hour distance between us work, talking every day, visiting each other when we could, and doing whatever we could to feel closer. I felt like I was the luckiest girl in the world. In fact, I always bragged about just how lucky I was to have such an amazing boyfriend like you.

    Then one night in December, just days before my first finals, you started a fight. I told you I had lunch plans the next day with my best friend, who just so happened to be a guy. You insisted that I end the friendship, and I told you I thought that it was unreasonable to ask me to do that, and that we could surely talk about it and come to some sort of compromise. You didn’t agree. You ended it. Just as soon as it had begun, it was over.

    Well, you called me the next morning crying, but I needed a little bit of time to process what had happened before I forgave you for hurting me so badly. I realized very quickly that I wanted you in my life. I needed you in my life. But you had changed. You started treating me like I was some annoying pest when I tried to talk to you and tell you how I felt. It only got worse when I told you that my period was late.

    I moved home, unable to afford college both financially and emotionally. I came home. It was there that I began talking to our mutual friend again, who told me that you two had stopped speaking at the beginning of the new year. He told me all of your lies. He told me that you said that you had never loved me, that you were never my boyfriend, and that you were only using me for sex. I was crushed. I still am crushed. How could you say those things? Who were you really lying to? Did you lie to him to try to keep face? Did you lie to me to get what you wanted from me? I don’t know the answers. I don’t think I ever will, because even if you offered one, I could never believe you.

    I’ve tried to move on. I don’t care about you. I never did. I cared about who I thought you were. That is the guy that I miss every night when I go to bed. The guy that I still have nightmares about losing, three months later. It is so hard to move on completely, especially when I don’t trust anyone anymore. I don’t believe people when they tell me they care anymore. I just wonder to myself if they’re all lying like you did. It really messed me up. You really messed me up. I was finally doing better. I had stopped going to therapy. I was happy. And then you came along and shook my faith in people, and I feel completely alone. There’s no one I can trust, no one I can confide in.

    I can’t believe you can live with all of your lies. The lies you tell to your family, friends, and loved ones, if you even really love anyone. I don’t know how you can live with yourself, using girls, and yes I mean girls because I was only 18, and you were 22. Your new girl is 17. I do hope you realize that’s illegal before you get yourself into too much trouble. I don’t wish you well, but I’m not a bad person, and I won’t wish bad things upon you. Some day you’ll regret the things you’ve done. And I’ll heal and lead a wonderful life without you.

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