• If only

    by  • March 17, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    Hey, guess who?
    The only problem I seem to have at the minute is you! I can’t get you out of my head. The things that happened, the things that shouldn’t have. I honestly want to look you straight in the eye and tell you I hate you; that I’m over you, and to me you are nothing more than scum. These things are easier said than done.

    I wish it was as simple as it sounds. Everyone tells me the same thing; that I’m too good for you but I don’t understand why I waste all my free time and my tears thinking of you..

    We may as well be strangers now; we don’t speak and seem to have a genuine hate for each-other. I don’t know if this is a front we’re both putting on, or if it’s just me being a pathetic little girl who has no control over her feelings. I wish I was stronger, I wish I was more assertive and could move on with my life. Truth is, you were my life for almost three years, ever since that first day in summer. We were young. We were foolish and it felt right. After that, it was a whirlwind;a roller-coaster full of ups and downs. Despite the constant change, you were always there for me; I was always there for you. I loved you. I thought you loved me.It’s strange the way things turn out isn’t it? The people you love the most have the greatest power to hurt you.

    Remember you said you loved me? It made me feel nervous and jittery. I don’t know why. I think maybe it was because no one had ever been so open with me before.With you it was different. With you, I believed everything you said. I thought you had a genuine interest in me.

    I remember the butterflies I used to get when you walked past me; when you smiled at me; when we were alone. I was weak; You were my weakness. I tried so hard not to give in to your charm; I didn’t want to be another foolish girl on your list. I didn’t want to be trapped in the love cage I had been in so many times before with you and then flip to be “just friends”. I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be better than those “easy” girls you’d tell me about. Those that you boasted to your friends about and moved on from in the blink of an eye. I guess I knew what was in store and was setting myself up for failure, completely oblivious to the fact you were going to hurt me. Despite this, I was besotted with you, spending every spare minute talking to you.

    As if by magic, any time I had consumed alcohol on a night out, you were there. And of course there was history and so it repeated, every single time. It was fun; We were young and free. We used to be teased in work for previous antics but we didn’t care; we knew how we felt and it felt as if it was right. I used to check the work schedule every week to see how long we’d be in eachother’s company for. How long I’d have to impress you for. Those brief moments were magical, we were like a proper couple.

    Although we were never properly together, we may as well have been. You had asked me before and I had shot you down. Not because I didn’t think it was an amazing idea, but because I knew your reputation and I’d never been in a relationship. I was afraid that I wasn’t used to all the thing you were accustomed to.I was afraid of losing you as a friend.I cared too much about you. You were hurt by this and I felt so bad but we got over it and carried on in the same way as before.

    We went to the beach at night. We kissed in your car. We shared secrets. I trusted you completely. I let every guard I had down for you. I lowered my unrealistic expectations for you; I was afraid of being hurt but you promised me that would never happen…

    That one night in February changed it all. We were drunk and foolish. I kept everything to myself; between us. However, you betrayed my trust. You turned into the boy that I’d heard of but never really experienced. You weren’t the caring, soft-sided guy I loved anymore. You were an inconsiderate waste of space who was quite happy to ruin my reputation. You were happy enough to ruin anything we ever had and ever would have had. I forever wanted you to ask me to be your girlfriend again but after that, it changed. I was broken. I cried every night while people asked me questions; questions which I didn’t know the answer to. I tried the idea of forgiving you and it worked, for a few weeks. You even asked me for another chance.That was until your friends got involved and turned you into something I know you’re not. You post statuses on your page about how you’re better than me and won’t stoop so low again. It hurts that someone I fell so hard for can seem to be so strong and move on so quickly. Did you lie about loving me all these years just for one silly night? I wish I could be as carefree, but realistically, I gave you all that I had and you tossed it away. I have nothing else to give. So I’m going to better myself. I want to be that girl you’ll pass in the street and think, “damn what if?” and “I miss her!”

    It’s because I miss you. I miss the people we used to be. I miss our late night chats and jokes. I miss the way you used to look me in the eye and make my heart feel like it was jumping out of my chest. I miss how I used to run to you with my problems and just being with you made me feel like the happiest girl in the world. You used to tell me I was perfect and I wouldn’t have to change for anybody. You told me I was amazing and just hearing these words made me have butterflies.

    Don’t get me wrong, the times we had together were amazing. That 16 year old boy I fell in love with will always be in my heart, my first love. I didn’t know what love was until you came into my life. It wasn’t a waste of time. I had so many good times that made up for the rough patches. Writing this letter is by far the hardest thing I’ve had to do. It’s worse than people talking about me because I’m a big girl, I can shake those comments off. Pity I can’t shake you out of my mind. This letter isn’t one of hate; it’s one of clarity. I’ve seen the other side of you and it’s not pretty. I’m stupid for loving you, but I honestly think I’ll take you back if you came back into contact with me. I miss you more and more everyday. I know you’ll never read this but I need to get some things off of my chest.

    I wish we had never changed. I wish we could still be those innocent teenagers who spent their first date in awkwardness watching Harry Potter. Those teenagers who kissed on the pavement and held hands in the rain. Those people who used to flirt harmlessly at every moment. If only I could go back to that one night. There’s so much I would change…

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