• To Three

    by  • March 16, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Thinking of you • 0 Comments

    First to P: I think you were my first true love. It’s strange, because we never even slept together. I felt at home with you. I miss our long talks, or friendly banter. I miss flirting with you. I don’t miss the confusion. I don’t miss the lack of commitment. I think I have forgiven myself for leaving you, and I think I’ve forgiven you for not fighting for me. We were young and stupid. A part of my heart will always be yours. I will always love you. For the last six months, when I thought about you it made me want to cry. Now, when I have a memory of you it makes me want to smile. I’m glad you were in my life while you were. You taught me a lot.

    Secondly to R: You think know how I feel. You ascribe feelings to me in every situation. You say things like, “We’re feeling more intimate.” “Thank you for sharing things with me.” “We’re getting closer.” The thing is, that we’re not. There is something inherently missing in our relationship and it is trust. You lied to me for eleven years, were evasive, and I have no trust in you. I have no faith in you. I’m staying with you for the kids and that is it. I feel sad about that. I had put so much into you, and I feel like I love you. I know I do, because why else would I deal with so much crap. If I could afford to leave today, support my kids, and keep the feeling of family I would. I will continue to pretend for you. I am the only love you have ever had, so I can see why you hold onto me so much. I just don’t understand how I can feel so detached from you and how you can feel so attached to me?

    Thirdly to L: You are my fantasy. I think about your face at night when I go to bed. I think about your smile and your blue eyes. I dream about touching your face and kissing you. I fantasize about making love to you. I feel connected to you now. We have a lot in common. I know that it will not happen. We are both with other people. We both have children. I want our friendship to last, because I feel like I want you in my life forever now that you are there. Maybe it is an obsession, but it feels good. When I am next to you, and I talk to you I feel limerence in my heart. I like that feeling, after feeling nothing for years. It makes me feel good, confident, attractive, sexy. You make me feel that way. To something that can never be.

    Leave a Reply