Over a year ago, I met a boy, at a floor event in our dorms. He barely spoke to me, and when he did it was in sarcasm. I was put off, and flustered, and for some strange reason wanted to get to know this boy. I had this feeling, that he and I were going to be friends. Call me crazy, but I knew that I liked him as a lot more than a friend from that very second I met him.
And then one day, months later. We met again, and became friends. And we had the most awkward friendship in the world, we were quiet, and we had trouble holding conversations with one another. There were strange inside jokes that I cannot even begin to explain or understand. We were strange, and friends, and this was perfect. I still felt things for this boy, but I assumed it was obvious and this boy just wanted to be friends. So we talked, all the time, almost nightly, with awkward conversations. And I overanalyzed, and hoped, and waited. And summer passed, and we grew closer when school started.
And then I decided to tell this boy that I had feelings for him. And he didn’t like me back, in fact he didn’t say much of anything to my confession, and simply said, “I figured you felt that way.” And made me upset, and scared me because I assumed I had ruined our friendship. And then it turned out that I didn’t, and he still wanted me in his life, so I became a casual piece of furniture in his world, and he in mine. And I still liked him, and I still held on.
And then one day, I find out he has a girlfriend. One who doesn’t live here, and one he never decided to inform me of. And once again, I was hurt, and upset, and wanted to hate him for not telling me. But I couldn’t. So I accepted that he was happy. And that I was just a friend. And I was going to have to be okay with that.
And I lied to myself and to my friends almost daily. Repeating that I was over him, for months, and months, and months. And truth was, I was far from it. But it hurt a lot less if I just told myself a list of reasons everyday why I shouldn’t and didn’t like him. And I hoped that one day I would believe it.
And then one day, he leads me to believe they are broken up. And every single thing I had been denying for months and months decided to hit me in the face. And I was upset again. Especially when I found out they were in fact still together.
And then suddenly we stopped speaking. And conversations seemed forced, and only one sided because they came from my side. And I was exhausted. And so tired. And so sad. And so numb. Because what do you do when you and your best friend suddenly get more awkward then the good awkward. And what do you do, when you are still crazy for this stupid awkward boy, who doesn’t even care. And what do you do, when you feel that this is maybe how love feels like, and you know that logically you shouldn’t and can’t love someone who doesn’t love you back. But irrationally, you feel maybe you are.
And you sit and you hope, that maybe this is a phase and you’ll get past it, and go back to at least the comfortable furniture friendship, with the awkward inside jokes. But you are scared that things are completely ruined and you aren’t even sure what went wrong in the first place.
And you don’t know what to do. And you don’t know if you are supposed to let go, or hang on, or move on, or stay waiting, or wish, or pray, or cry, or smile, or what.