The last 23 years of my life have been a long, winding, and brilliant road, but this is the exit where I’m going to have to let you go. I’m finally ready for us to venture our separate ways, and until I’m comfortable with you being a part of my journey again (if ever), it’s going to have to stay that way.
While I know that when your friends and acquaintances ask about me, just as they do with my brother, you’ll play it cool and feed them some fake line like always, but let’s face it: we both know that this has been a long time coming. We are not “mother and daughter,” just as you and he were not “mother and son.” We are merely two people that were forced together in the birthing lottery; so easily expendable, a waste of time, and not conducive to your way of living and happiness. But you know what? It’s alright.
It’s alright that you never wanted to have kids. I get it. It’s alright that your newest husband and your own personal gain and desires are the most important aspects of your world. I get it. It’s even alright that you’ve stolen from me, abandoned me, passed me off on other people, and have no desire to get to know me as an individual. Honestly, I get it. And I’m okay. It’s who you are, it’s what you want, and I can’t change that. What I can change is how I’m going to deal with this from here on out.
I am officially past denial, anger, bargaining, and depression on this whole “five stages of grief” merry-go-round that you’ve sent me on. In fact, I’ve finally reached a level of acceptance, and in my head and heart where you’re concerned, I finally feel some resemblance of peace without your presence. I have a new family to fill the gaps that you’ve left me with, and quite frankly, this point in time is the happiest that I’ve ever been.
When I met “him” five years ago, it in itself was an amazing experience for me. He’s taught me how to be so much more independent, how to try new things, how to be who I am without feeling guilty, how to really embrace this person I’ve grown into that I didn’t know was there. But now, five years later, not only do I have him encouraging and loving me, but I have his family as well. That huge group of the most remarkable, generous, fascinating, and spectacular people that I’ve ever met. The ones that have taken me in, made me one of their own, include me. The ones who know my likes and dislikes, have thrown me birthday parties, taken me on family vacations, the ones who sit down and have dinner with me every Sunday despite our busy schedules. The ones who actually care. The ones I adore – like true blue, my-heart-is-bursting-at-the-seams, adoration. And more so than you could possibly comprehend.
I thought before that maybe, just maybe, if I tried harder to get you to want to be in my life, that things could be better. That I could make it work and we could have the type of relationship that I once craved. But I know now that ship has sailed, and have realized that even if you were to pop back into the picture, you could never in a million years be as absolutely incredible as these people I currently have on my side. They’ve given to me what you couldn’t at least fifty times over, and I can tell you with a hundred percent certainty, I’d not trade it for a thing. Not even the possibility of you or what you could be.
I know that these trials and tribulations we’ve had weren’t completely one-sided, and for that, I’m sorry. I never wanted to cause you any pain, I just wanted to have a mom. Now that I’ve got one, it’s time for me to cut the ties.
Wishing you only the best,