How funny. I told myself I would stop coming to this site. Yet here I am, once again, reading and writing. Hoping you are real and I’m not just making it up to please my heart. Last night, or maybe it was the night before, regardless of when, I started thinking, “what if I finally met you? how would it play out? would you find me…good enough? would you let me your heart?” It’s funny how what we dream is amazing and wonderful, yet when that dream is realized, physically there before us, we are unsure as to how to act. I could think of a million scenarios of how it would start, but in the end I would never be brave enough to act on any of them. I’m shy, and I’m sure you’ve felt this.
I can be a kid, a grown up, serious and silly. I’m responsible, a dreamer, detailed and an artist. I follow rules yet I tend to want to rearrange some or bend them slightly. I’ve been learning much about myself, how I am with people, how I act at work versus home. Whose my friends are, who I can be just myself with and who I must be someone slightly different. I know what happens when I intake to much caffeine: I crash hard as if I was drunk. I know I get grumpy when I’m hungry, but I’ve gotten better at fixing that small detail. I’m sensitive to emotions of others and situations and I can be rash, but I’ve too, gotten better at that detail. I figured out many things about myself and the one I can never really figure out is faith and love.
I understand that I have lost faith in people…as hard as that is to type down in words. Maybe it’s something I need to confess. It’s a fear you know, to say that. I feel as if I’m condemning humanity–as if my words hold so much power. You know I had a lady nearly make me cry at work the other day. I don’t know why I let her affect me so. I could have been a bitch and rude, but I didn’t. I let her say all those words and be mean. I understand I made a mistake, she should have understood too. We make mistakes, it wasn’t something so terrible to get upset about. Anyways, you know I’m going through a lot. I haven’t seen the entire world, so how can I say I’ve lost faith? To tell you the truth, I’ve just seen a side of people I find ridiculous. Then again, I’ve also seen people who are considerate and kind. I’ve heard of those who want to make a difference and try for humanity. Maybe I can’t say I’ve lost total faith…
Love, is another. The only love I’ve ever felt is that of my friends and family. That’s sort of a lie. I’ve had crushes, a big one during high school. Little did I know you were there in the background of my dreams. Please tell me every crush was a lesson for me.
You know, I don’t really feel you anymore. Why is that? I feel like I’m the pursuer now. Yet you are far better at ignoring me than I am of you. I don’t think of you often anymore. Just those sometimes thoughts of, “what if?” its my art I must pursue now, right? its were I find myself, my inner beauty, is it not? I may feel ready for you, but am I really ready? If only I could just connect to you and hear what your answers would be. I don’t even know if what I’ve seen of you is false or fact. Look at me, rambling on…I don’t even know what the point of this letter is really. Maybe I just hope you are real and would find it. A slice of me wants to believe you are living nicely. Healthy and happy. Like I should be doing. Maybe just hearing you, physically would give me a peace of mind. To tell my mind that, yes, you are real.
I should stop writing, I don’t want to keep rambling on, I’ll find love and faith again. I hope to find you…too.
To you with green eyes, a boy who has stolen my heart and led me to the world of dreams…