• How bad it really hurts.

    by  • March 14, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Acceptance • 1 Comment

    Thank you for drunk driving when you knew alcohol is what killed my mother.

    Thank you for drunk driving when you knew alcohol is what’s killing my father.

    Thank you for never telling me about this and instead letting it slip out of a friend’s mouth.

    Thank you for expecting that I would never find out.

    Thank you for getting drunk on multiple weekends when you knew it’s what tore my entire life apart.

    Thank you for your drunken pictures with random girls and leading me to believe you cheated on me.

    Thank you for partying every single weekend before paying any mind to me.

    Thank you for flirting with other girls right in front of my face.

    Thank you for leaving on vacation without telling me and then coming home and I’m the last one to know you’re back.

    Thank you for using me for when you’re drunk.

    Thank you for having other plans for Valentine’s Day two years in a row, and not telling me.

    Thank you for not even bringing up our anniversary.

    Thank you for only giving me flowers when you’d done something wrong.

    Thank you for never telling me what you really felt.

    Thank you for introducing me to the best family I’ve ever met in my life, and then taking them away. You better realize how great they are.

    Thank you for never thinking you’re good enough for me and using it to push me away.

    Thank you for never asking me about my life.

    Thank you for using me only at your convenience.

    Thank you for feeding me false promises.

    Thank you for making me forget you did any of these things.

    Thank you for making my love blind.

    Thank you for making me the happiest person alive.

    Thank you for kissing me, loving me, and holding my hand.

    Thank you for sleeping next to me; so close.

    Thank you for being so understanding.

    Thank you for understanding me, my personality, and everything having to do with me on every level.

    Thank you for being my prom date for two years.

    Thank you for the look in your eyes, when I knew you’d fallen in love with me.

    Thank you for taking it so well when I told you I loved you for the first time.

    The memory I’ll never forget, Thank you so much for giving me the best hug in the world when I came home from the airport. I missed you so much. And with that hug you made me think I would stay in those arms forever. I was happiest in this moment more than I’ve ever been. Thank you for giving me hope that it would last forever.

    And it’s shown, the con’s outweigh the pro’s.

    Nobody told me it would hurt this bad for so long.
    Nobody told me how hard it would be to let a first love go.
    (All of the things I could never tell you)

    I’m stuck halfway in between better off and can’t live without.
    I don’t know what’s best for me.
    If you wouldn’t of reminded me of it all over again.
    I would be better than I am now, I’m sure of it.

    Maybe I should’ve told you the truth.
    maybe you didn’t get the answers you wanted
    I don’t care, I still can’t figure out why you’re not here.
    why aren’t you here?
    I think here is where you belong.
    you belong with me.
    or should i set myself free?

    when I can’t.

    But now I can,
    This is my final goodbye. It’s been 8 long months now & I still dream about you every night. I wake up with that excruciating pain of thinking we’re still together and then wake up and it’s not real. I’m tired of letting you send my mind reeling, it’s time to put it to rest. I finally realized you made me cry many more times than make me happy. I couldn’t let it go because there was never a real reason as to why we ended it, yet it never would of worked. It would have always remain a never ending circle of contradiction. You would always do these little things repeatedly like forget to tell me small things. So eventually I thought you didn’t care about me at all. Little did I know you truly loved me, you were just always afraid to ultimately show it. We’ll always have those amazing memories like our random hand squeeze, the moments when you would just look at me and smile. & It kills me inside to think of when we would walk downtown and all the old couples around would smile at us like oh, I remember my first love. And we looked at them and talked about the future and I couldn’t help but picture us when we were old. You even made a comment about what we would name our kids someday. I was so naive into believing it would all magically fall into place and that you were the one. I never told you how happy I was the day you said that and how much I wanted it to be true. You were so happy. I was so happy. And we were so much in love, but blind of the future, and for some reason you always let the small things get in the way. Until one day it broke us for good. I should’ve never compared our relationship to my brothers. I figured oh, since he married his first love, I should be that lucky too and it’ll happen to me. No. You Lied to me when you said we’d stay together. Why did I believe you? Love is blind. It’s not a lie. You always said I was the one you wanted at the end of the road. Sadly from the very first day it began you told my cousin I was too good for you. So you pushed me away. That whole damn time you pushed me away. All I ever wanted was for you to love me. Plain and simple. People have been leaving me my whole life. My mom, dad, stepdad, friends. And you left. Broke your promise. So what you should know is that if you think someone is too good for you, you should just hold them that much tighter and be that much thankful you have them in your life. I’m so afraid that nobody will ever make me as happy as you did. Because even though we had so many fights I was happy every single time I was with you. I’m afraid nobody will ever make me laugh as much as you did. Because as of now, no one has.

    When it comes down to it though, I was sad and upset throughout the entire relationship. I learned my lesson and should’ve listened to my friends when they told me you were a bad boyfriend. and That I deserve better. One of the last sentences you spoke to me before I walked away in a tearful mess of what I’ve always been the most afraid of happening. The last thing I ever wanted. I wanted to marry you. I loved you that much but I disregarded the truth. It could never work. And so this is why I let you go for good. I was progressing better as of a couple months ago. Finally getting back at my feet. Until you showed up at my door with flowers and a card letting me know I’m your “true love”. On Valentine’s Day. Really? & As of now. Not hearing a word from you. Thanks alot. I kept every flower, every note, every picture, everything you ever gave me is still scattered around my room. They’ll be gone soon. I don’t care if we go to the same college or live in the same town. Maybe I’ll run into you or your family, it’s ok. Because I don’t care. I’ll keep telling myself I’m over you until the day I realize it’s happened and I’m fully over you. I am so much stronger than you could’ve ever imagined. I grow stronger every day. Because as I see it, you let me down, you let me go. So it is time to set myself free, find out who I am without you. You’re right in the fact that I’ll find someone who treats me so much better than you did. Who will give me the world. And will love me without doubt. That’ll be the man I marry. Not you, who left me behind. Thank you for an amazing and awful year and a half. So these are the words I could never tell you. It was my fault in the relationship that I held things in. I should’ve told you when something was bothering me, but there was just too much. What matter’s is that I’ve learned. I’m better off without you in every single way. You hurt me so badly that I refuse to go back to the past. I must let go fully and so this is my final goodbye.


    One Response to How bad it really hurts.

    1. larry
      March 14, 2012 at 9:55 am

      Thank you for ending this letter!

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