• back to december

    by  • March 13, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    i’ll never forget that first night in December when it all started.

    we were both at a crowded party and i looked over at you, wearing a black and white plaid shirt, with glasses framing the sparkles in your green eyes. when my hazel eyes met yours, i felt something different than all of the other times we’ve crossed paths before. i felt an instant spark that night; almost like our bodies gravitating toward each other other. there was a little voice telling me that this could be something special. although, in the back of my mind, i knew you were the forbidden one and the dangerous one. but that made you all more irresistible to me. i looked at you as a challenge that no matter how difficult it was going to be, i was ready for. i wanted to take you under my wing, and change everyone’s view on your bad guy stereotype to the good soul that i knew was hidden inside.

    that night turned into nights we had together in December. we started seeing each other almost everyday. your smell would linger hours after you left, and it drove me absolutely crazy. you gave me hoodie, and i would sleep in it every night. the smell of you was so comforting to me, it made me feel safe. i could be myself around you, and i couldn’t talk about you without the biggest grin coming on my face. it was the type of relationship that everyone searches for. the one where you’re sitting in class staring at the clock because you just want to see that other person. the type where you wake with up with a nice text from them, and it makes your entire day. i was starting to fall, but i promised myself that no matter how hard i fell, i could not fall in love with you.

    when January came around, it was bittersweet. knowing you we’re leaving soon, to go 5 hours away from me was always in the back of my mind. i knew it might not last, so i wanted to make the best out of every moment with you. time with you flew by so fast. we had a sand clock that was running out of time. then, that day finally came. the day i had to say goodbye. you came over, and i realized how much i truly cared about you. but you were a college kid, and i didn’t want to be the high school girl who held you back. i wanted you to go and have reckless fun and random hookups. what i wasn’t expecting was for you to want to stay with me.

    although i wasn’t expecting it, we worked though the distance. although being 375 miles away was hard, no one had caught my eye like you had, so i knew i could do. it was scary giving you so much power to hurt me, but trusting you not too. even though throughout our entire relationship i got so many warnings not to trust you, i still did. you never truly believed that i trusted you, but what you never knew was that i had SO much trust in you. you made me feel so safe with your words, and whenever i would hear your voice, so comforting and serene, i knew this had to be something different. it had to be something special, something you had never had before. so i trusted the fact you weren’t going to leave me. i trusted you because it was starting to feel like love.

    but then that night happened. the night i messed up. another guy kissed me, and looking back i couldn’t even tell you why i let it happen, i let the alcohol get the best of me. you were on my mind the entire time. i felt so guilty, and i didn’t want to mess up something that i cared about so much. then, i continued to get drunk and i gave my number to someone else. it kills me thinking that i did these things to you. i have no explanation of why they happened or what was going through my mind. i tested you too far that night. if i could take it back, and erase all the pain i caused you that night, i would do ANYthing to make that happen. i’m sorry that i ever made you doubt that the only thing that i ever wanted was you.

    now, we’re all messed up. ever since that night nothing has been the same between us. but i still fought for you, i tried my hardest to fix what was broken. but you never forgave me, and i understand.
    i understand why you’re mad.
    i understand why you can’t forget.
    i understand why you stopped trying.
    i understand but it fucking hurt.
    it hurt like hell. i miss you. i miss the old us. i would do anything in this world to get back there. i was falling in love with you, and it was the scariest thing admitting that. it’s hard explaining what falling in love feels like. i wanted to be around you all the time, protect you from all the bad things in the world, be the one you called at 4 a.m. needing advice from, the one who defended you even when you weren’t around and most importantly i never wanted to hurt you. i’m sorry that i ended things with you, i only did it because i wanted to protect you. i didn’t want to cause you anymore hurt. but i wanted you to fight for me, i want you to show me that you don’t want this to end, that you still care. that even though we’ve surrounded ourself with these obstacles, that you’ll take my hand and we can work together them. if this was truly starting to become love, then we could get through this.

    but i’d still give anything to go back to that night in December.

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