• You disappoint me.

    by  • March 12, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 1 Comment

    Can you believe we’ve been attempting this friendship thing for a year? I can’t. I also can’t believe that, a year later, I’m still having doubts about whether we’re even friends! And by no means are they unfounded. Things started out so fantastically; you had so much potential, not just as a friend, but as /everything/.

    Let’s go back to September of 2010. That’s when I picked you. I took a chance for once; I made a conscious effort to be friendly with you from afar. However, it wasn’t until six months later that this effort paid off — I finally made direct contact with you and everything was peachy.

    At that point, I was so afraid you were going to let me down. I’d waited so long to see if I would even feel comfortable talking to you at all, and I was worried I’d made the wrong choice. I was so relieved to find that I hadn’t; that you were, and still are, as close to perfect as humanly possible.

    And love. I think I fell in love, in that very first week. I don’t think I even knew what it was. I’m not sure I do now. Platonic or romantic? Or neither? I care for you more than I care for any other human being that I’ve had the misfortune to meet, perhaps excepting my parents. But it’s not the same feeling. I don’t know anything anymore.

    You know the story, but not from my point of view. For me, everything was beautiful for a while and the world had a certain lilac tinge to it. We had some really kick-ass conversations, and my mind, which already was prone to wandering, only reached new heights, all because of you. I was stimulated. Energized. /Changed./

    You pulled me out of my shell. Those summer months, those late night talks… all of that worked to transform me so much that I don’t know who I am without you. It was you and you alone who changed me, and when we started talking less and less, I didn’t know what to do. I could not go back to what I’d been before, even though it’s preferable. No, instead I began to act out when you were around, hoping to get your attention, YOU, the only person whose attention even matters to me.

    My misbehaving only pushed you away further so that, a year later, I have the same doubts as before (but in a different context). I hope I made the right choice. What would it have been like if you were nothing to me? Who would I be?

    I am a monster. I’m treated like one. Far too many people have seen me acting weird for me to have the same social acceptance that I once had. I don’t know how you did it, but you destroyed me, just by being wonderful.
    I want to be wonderful too.

    ~

    I haven’t even begun to address the girl. The girl, the girl, the girl. She likes you a lot. You know this. I think you like her, but maybe I’m biased. I dunno. Either way, I’m getting sick of seeing you hugging all the time, touching, petting, SNIFFING, for fuck’s sake.

    This weekend, I found myself wishing she would disappear, and that I could go to school today and not see her and you would forget her completely and maybe, possibly, things could be how they used to be and I could be how I used to be. I soon realized this was not a solution to anything. She seems to make you happy, and if a relationship develops between you, I think you’ll both be happy. You’ve got lots in common. Not to say that I don’t have an incredibly strong urge to scream, but in the back of my mind, I’ve realized the truth.

    The thing is, she and I also have lots in common. Flatly, she’s a better version of me. Anything I can do, she does much better; any flaw that I have is somehow one of her assets. I don’t wonder why you prefer her company. I only wish that you did not. She has nothing that I don’t have, she just has MORE of everything that I have…including you and your attention.

    Through you, I’ve felt all these emotions that I don’t think I even had before. Jealousy? That was a foreign concept to me 370 days ago.

    Sometimes I wait for you to contact me. Sometimes I beg for you to. This is when I realize how far I’ve truly fallen from the blissful independence of years past. I feel worthless now without you, and even more so for realizing how stupid that is.

    Clingy? Maybe. But I need you. Everyone else just wants you.

    Please write back as soon as possible. I’ll be waiting, pathetically, for your reply. Please hurry. I tire of being here.

    One Response to You disappoint me.

    1. carolinagrrrl
      March 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

      don’t let this get you down. it seems like no matter how he’s acting now you got at least a little benefit from his company. dont dwell on the past but realize that you can move on from it and use it to better yourself. either way you should not rely on him or wait for him. personally i dont think he’s worth it.
      i also hope this advice isn’t unwanted. i really do hope things work out for you; only the best intentions ?

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