I feel so lonely without you. I get like this every time we part ways. And we always do, which is why this time I am determined to make it stick.
I am sitting hear listening to the rain pound against the window pane. It reminds me of that song ‘November Rain’ by GnR. I remember watching that video when I was a little girl. I remember thinking about how beautiful and tragic it was all at the same time. I wanted to be that glamourous rock princess that was down home, grounded in her roots but cooler than fuck. I wanted to marry someone for love, someone who lived on the fringes of society and understood who I am. I found all of that in you.
“When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin’ when I hold you
Don’t you know I feel the same”
I know you love me which is why I am sitting here being eaten up inside. Don’t you miss me? Don’t you crave me? I feel like an addict going through withdrawel, but I have done this before. It is always one more time, one more hit, but it is never enough. I am left sitting here alone after some outburst, some outpouring of emotion and after all this time my heart is changing. I am becoming gaurded and closed up. I walk the streets, and don’t meet anyone’s eyes. I am afraid to, I don’t want to let anyone else in. I don’t want to be hurt again.
I honestly don’t think I could take another heartbreak like this. It nearly destroyed me. I can’t tell you the number of times I have cried over the past four years, or the way I held my stomach after the abortion while my body wracked with sobs. What it took for me to swallow it down, to not say anything and forgive you, because that is the deal we made. Unconditional love. It just feels like right now that I am the only one holding up my end.
I think back to that girl I used to be, with long flowing almost black hair, swinging her black boots out of the car, dark jeans and a tee shirt, cat eyes staring back out at the world and the kind, carefree smile that played on her lips. She didn’t give a dman what the world thought of her, she was going to make a difference and live life her way. Heartbreak was a part of life and she trusted herself to know better than to get involved with anyone with shady intents. She was going to LIVE life… All out! And she was filled with love. That was the most beautiful things about her.
I look in a mirror now and I see cold, hard, disillusioned eyes edging on bitter. They are eyes of someone who put their all into something and had their heartborken. I rarely smile anymore, and this life I have created for myself is full of waiting… Waiting for you to call, to text me, so that I can come alive again.
I am tired of waiting…
I want my heart back, my soul back. But you, you have become a piece of them, a piece of my history at the very least.
I don’t want to say it, but I know you will come back. It is only a matter of when. You broke my heart, please give me the space and time to heal. I need that woman I was, and am, back. I know she is still inside of me, digesting this heartbreak, ready to leap forward onto more sturdy ground. She doesn’t want you anymore. Heartbreak may be a part of life, but you have proven who you are.
No more looking back.