• It’s not that I want to die…I just want to go home

    by  • March 12, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 2 Comments

    I was normally a happy person. Outgoing, bubbly, life of the party girl. I was the one out of my friends who was crazy, wild, not afraid of anything. “Free-spirit” is what everyone called me.

    It’s not that I want to die. I just don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be this person anymore. I wanna go home. I wanna feel human, young and alive again. I feel nauseous all the time. I’m stressed and I can’t sleep. I can feel it taking a physical toll on me. The only place where I feel like myself is the gym. Running makes it all go away when I have to focus on the burning in my legs instead of the emptiness inside of me.

    I have an idea of what happened. I came here with no comforts at all. I knew no one, it is a big place whereas I had grown up in a small town. i was confident. I was supposed to be strong. I was supposed to be able to deal living so far away from home.

    I think I’m depressed now. I hate my program. I don’t hate the school and the people necessarily, I’m just not happy here. And its embarrassing because I was so sure of myself that this was the perfect school and I was going to excel in such a prestigious place.

    Now I just want to go home. I haven’t been this unhappy in a long time. I feel like I have no one who understands how I feel. Everyone else seems to love it here and I just don’t. I want to be somewhere where I actually feel like myself. Right now I just feel like a shell of a girl. Empty.

    Honestly, never in a million years thought I would be that girl who went to school having a boyfriend. Somehow it happened. I fell in love and I never want to leave him. It’s just so hard being away. I miss him so much and the two of us aren’t good with phone calls and texts. I’m so awkward I just like physical in person contact. It’s not helping

    3 more weeks of this…

    2 Responses to It’s not that I want to die…I just want to go home

    1. Jessie
      March 12, 2012 at 8:19 pm

      Story of my life. The small town. The big city. The prestigious school. The running. The boy back home. I know all about it. I know how hard it is for you. I know it sucks right now. I know how much you miss him and the feeling of just belonging somewhere. I know all about it. But you know what? Both you and me are going to be okay. I promise.

    2. friend
      March 12, 2012 at 8:53 pm

      “it’s like looking through a mirror,
      when i listen to you speak to me.
      blurry images becoming clearer,
      don’t understand what’s happening,
      what is this thing
      what do i see,
      this person looking back at me?”
      why is it that when i look at you i see me? why is it that when i look at you, i love you? by law of carryover or something shouldn’t i therefore love myself? and yet… sigh. anyways, you inspire me, because you are the other side of me and you are still here. what do you say we hold on together? i’m game…


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