• It Hasn’t Happened Yet

    by  • March 12, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Closure • 0 Comments

    12 years ago, you tore my world apart, carelessly thinking what you were doing could not possibly hurt me. You hurt me, and yet I allowed you to walk away. Yet I forgave you, desperately trying to hold onto the last bit of spark we had. I spent months in agony, knowing that when it was all over, no matter-it would still be the finale for the both of us. I knew you would never tell the truth of what really occurred that night and I knew that you would no longer be a part of my life, to keep your lies alive. What you did not know and may have never truly realized, is, that through it all, I loved you with every fiber of my being, heart and soul. 12 years ago, I knew without a doubt that the man I loved so deeply, felt self pride was more important than any truths, and that reality forced me to become bitter and resentful. The truth of that night came to light, I spoke the truth and put it in my heart to heal from the pain you physically placed upon me, and asked for forgiveness from my God for allowing you to treat me as you did for those six years prior. What a blessing, healing and learning to forgive myself and also learning to forgive you. What was written in those papers, was my pain for those six years I stayed with you and the resulting disappointment in myself for letting it go as far as it had. We were never going to make it, never going to have the fairy tale ending we both swore was to come. It did not change the love I held for you, and my wishing you would come to realize you needed to get help with your anger issues. And I was not perfect, I never pretended to be. I was myself at all times, I didn’t need to act a certain way around others, I did not need to hide who I really was, because I accepted my flaws and was not afraid to let others see them. I did not hide behind a mask, nor did I feel desperate to cover any of my tracks. I was always me. But I knew then, that the Rick I knew, had many faces, none of which were truly you. Setting you free and releasing you from all anger and resentment I held towards you for harming me, has opened up a whole new world for me. I wanted to hate you, I tried and failed. It hasn’t happened yet. I am thankful for the second chance on life, forgiving you has been my greatest and proudest accomplishment. I hope one day you learn to forgive yourself too.

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