I used to have no feelings. I was an empty shell.
After rape, after heartbreak, after cheating, lying, manipulating, mental abuse, physical abuse, drug use, alcohol abuse…
I am only 20.
That young ripe age, but I am so tired.
I am tired of the immature, selfish, no good actions of my past.
And I live and breathe in an entirely new way:
To help others.
To ease suffering and pain.
To save lives.
To be the person God intends me to.
So why am I sitting here wondering why the boy I opened up to and slept with almost two full days ago has not bothered to speak to me since?
Why can I not grasp the reality that people suck. I mean downright SUCK.
They are not always good, thoughtful, and caring like I envision them to be.
I have been brought so much pain at the hands of others but I swear I have the memory of a gnat.
I have so much love to give. To the whole world! And I can’t give it because of what the world has done to me.
I was told once by a complete stranger on our first and only encounter that God is waiting to give me so many beautiful things…if only I walk towards him.
I admit I don’t do enough. I am scared. I want a beautiful life, family.
How do I let myself have that?