I remember that day like I remember your face: branded red-hot onto the front of my mind. We took a hike, he and I, and talked about the inevitable. It was a great walk; a beautiful day, despite the invisible thunderclouds that promised a gloomy future. He’s always been great to talk to, especially when my heart is yearning for an outlet. He helps put things into perspective and provides a ray of light to punch a hole through the overcast sky that blankets my world.
He knows you better than anyone, considering that he is your father, but even he couldn’t predict the outcome of these events — only what the immediate path showed. Unique, to be sure; perhaps even unprecedented. But we walked down this road because we had no other choice. That day, he said he was convinced that we were meant to be together, and I had felt the same and sincerely hoped, prayed, and waited for the day to come to prove us both right. I gave up on the wait about a year and a half afterwards and pursued another love. The two of us were still best friends, but my heart was getting restless and I found another girl whom I grew to love — only the second to ever receive the entirety of my heart.
But as half a year came by I was left bruised and broken once again, pining for that which my heart was denied. It was my own fault, sure, but now I’m thinking God never intended her and me to be together, and so we separated under the harshest conditions. Now I am back to thoughts of you and just wondering “what if” all the time. By now, more than three years have passed since “that day” and I can’t help but wonder “when?” Not “if”. “When”.
Since that day that I talked to your father after “the situation”, he has mentioned to me more than once the spark between the two of us that you don’t see. I’m sure if I asked him today, he’d say he still believes us to be meant for each other. He’s insinuated as much in the past. You’re the kind of person who tells everything to your parents because of the amazing bond the three of you share, yet your response turns up negative each time, despite what he sees and what I suspect. Denial, blindness, or genuine response? Perhaps even you don’t know.
I’m your best friend. Your “brother”. The Love between us is strong, but sometimes I am confused as to the nature of that Love. We used to share a budding romance, once upon a time, that was new to the sun but quickly learning how to grow in both of us. Now it has retreated underground once again and has yet to resurface. Once it nearly did, about a year ago, but quickly took a turn in the opposite direction.
As I reflect upon the past, on all of our beautiful and not-so-beautiful moments, I realize I haven’t been ready, and perhaps all that’s happened has been God’s way of telling me that. I can’t deny all the consistencies and “coincidences” that have held together throughout the years that point towards the two of us — ever since my eyes were opened to your beauty and I realized just how special and amazing you are. You know I Love you, but I wonder what might happen if we gave our romance another shot. To Love so deeply and affectionately as we once tried to do. Our friendship these last few years may make it difficult, but I believe God may reawaken that which has lain dormant whenever He desires, and so I eagerly wait for that day to come.