• History always repeats itself.

    by  • March 10, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Family Stuff • 0 Comments

    The title really says it all.

    It’s hard to write this because I have to sit here and think about all of the things in life that have brought me here.

    This is to you both Mom and Dad, It’s hard to let it all out without sounding like I hate you because I don’t, I am just seriously disappointed in you both I hate that because parents are supposed to be the people we can count on the most and who are always there. My whole life was spent watching you two waste away in your alcoholism, I remember when I was young and there were times you were gone a lot, we stayed with other people because you all were gone drinking. You both worked and did the best you could to raise three children I
    know this but then you took off any time you could, I remember the fights that used to terrify me- I would hide in the closet just hoping nothing seriously bad would happen, to this day fighting hurts me I hate getting in arguments with people because I am afraid of it turning into those kind of fights. I know that some of my issues stem from that, I push people away from me before anything can happen because i don’t want to get hurt. I remember when there was no food in the house and we would find whatever we could, we use to take things from our friends houses just so we would have something at home. I am surprised that I didn’t turn out completely messed up, that I actually have a chance at a future. There was a time there for awhile when we were all convinced you two had changed and you weren’t going to drink anymore, things got so much better and we finally had some sense of normalcy but of course it all went down the hill and has remained that way for some time now. It’s tearing our family apart and you don’t even realize that. Your grandchildren are hurt by you but would never tell you this, I hear it from my sister all the time about how one of them feel like you don’t want them around or you don’t love them the same. I hate that they feel that way and that you two cant see that, You cant see that we all are hurting and we all wish things were different. You guys go out and drink so often it has become more important than paying your bills, for the past I don’t know how long we haven’t stayed in one home longer than maybe a year or two, were constantly having to pick up and find somewhere else to live because you two cant see the error of your ways. All of your children have strained relationships with you and we all seem to eventually leave, Maybe not that far but we go. I don’t know what any of us or anyone else could possibly say to make you two get it. I don’t think you ever will, I’m stuck here now with you but as soon as I can I am out and I will not be willing to lend money or anything else and this may make me seem like a cold hearted person but you caused me to be this way. I worry constantly about everything especially the fact that you drink and drive, you say oh I stop before I get too drunk and I can drive, NO you cant, you aren’t suppose to, what happens if you kill someone? or worse yourselves?

    This problem you two have created is taking over my life now, I feel responsible and like I should stay here and help you through but I know I shouldn’t and I know I wont. You have caused me too much pain and you have caused me not to be able to trust anyone, I push them away, I let go of someone who meant the world to me because I had to stay here for you..I hate this disease, I don’t hate you two, I just wish beyond all wishes you two would change and be the parents I know you really are and be the grandparents your grandchildren deserve to know.

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