To my first love, my high school sweetheart. I threw everything away for curiosity sake. I couldn’t actually believe my first love could be the love of my life. I left you behind so easily, i was so sure college would tear us apart anyway. You were older, we already had one year of long-distance under our belt. Do you remember sitting in your car junior year when I asked you where you were planning on going to school. I said I didn’t want to fall for you anymore than I was if you were leaving. You assured me you would be close by, we thought you’d be at Harvard.
I knew if I let myself go I would fall hard for you, I knew it the moment we met eyes waiting to leave for crew practice. Your brown eyes literally took my breath away, no one has ever been so beautiful to me. Trusting you, i let myself go completely and I fell completely in love with you. I remember the ease and comfort we shared, how I felt more comfortable without any makeup on around you than with my friends. Our goofy immaturity. Our fishing trips. Our nights filled with movies and chinese food. Our sleepovers. Even in the summer, I went to work with you. I would lay on the beach, watching you from afar, so handsome and tan. I would be proud to call you my husband one day, after all we already felt married. And until my friends starting getting inside my head, I thought there was nothing wrong with that. You were the best friend I ever had. And even though I broke your heart, I know I was yours. Except for him, of course. I know you miss him.
When you left for college, everything changed. You went to Vanderbilt, probably to be closer to Taylor Swift (kidding, but seriously.) And it was frustrating. So I learned how to make myself believe I loved you less. I distracted myself and became someone else. I wish I hadn’t. When you came home things weren’t the same. I wasn’t the same. And you weren’t either…you missed him. I don’t think I could ever fix it and that killed me. I broke up with you when I left for school and I was so numb when I did. Since the second I got to school, i haven’t felt like myself because I’m not with you. You wouldn’t talk to me anymore. We went from telling each other everything to nothing. I wish I could talk to you. When I was raped, you were the only person I could tell it to. And when I did, you shot me down. You said I couldn’t go to you anymore and to have a nice life. You were always so incredible to me. I don’t know how the same person I spent every minute with for three years, the same person who said they could never stop loving me even if I did the worst, could turn their head when I needed them most.
I’ve been depressed ever since I came to school. I am so empty. And I know it’s because every second, whether or not I am thinking about it- I miss you. You are the love of my life, my soulmate. But you have a girlfriend now of two years and there is absolutely nothing I can do. And its not loneliness that makes me miss you. Since the second month of being here, I have never been alone. I have dated at least a dozen people. No-not hooked up, actually dated. I have gone from guy to guy trying to fill the emptiness, waiting for someone to prove to me that you weren’t the love of my life. The new guy has come pretty close. But of course, I broke up with him in less than a month as always because he just isn’t you. We still spend every second together, and we talk about everything. Even he says I need to talk to you, because he can see how in love with you I still am. But I know that’s not what you want.
I pushed you away when you were still clinging for the first few months I was at school. I knew you deserved to be happy and to be with a girl that would give you happiness, so I told you the first and only lie I ever told you- I said there was someone else. But there wasn’t. Apparently my plan worked because you seem happy with her. And that truly makes me happy. I would never take that away from you, but I wish you knew I still loved you. I cry about it every single day. No one will ever be you. They will never have your weird knobby fingers and your sense of humor. I wish I could have done things differently. I miss you everyday. I pray for you and I hope one day you will be able to talk to me again. Maybe we will end up being best friends, because when it comes down to it that’s what I miss the most. ‘ i just miss my friend’… CM