I lied to you. It was a really big one. Bigger than any lies you ever told me, and it hurts me to even think about it. I told you that i forgave you. I don’t, what I should have said was “I love you and I WANT to forgive you.”
I don’t know where to go from here. You don’t understand how hurt I was. How much pain you left me in. How every second of every day now that we’re back together, I spend thinking about how many times you lied, what I don’t know. I hardly believe a word out of your mouth.
It isn’t fair to you. I am now the bad guy. I should let you go, I should be strong enough to walk away from you. I’m not getting over this. For you it feels like a long time ago, for me? It was just yesterday.
You must be getting tired of my emotional outbursts, I am. Every time I have a quiet second to myself it hits me though – I remember things you said you were doing, places you were going, people you were going with and all of a sudden it hits me. BAM he was lying, he was with “Her”. These episodes get especially bad when I know you’re going to be around her.
I hate myself, I hate myself for not being able to get over this, for not being strong enough to walk away, for still loving you, and I hate you too. I hate you for lying to me all the time, I hate you for what you did to me, for what I LET YOU do to me.
I also hate that I don’t know the half of what happened. I mean I think I know, I have my gut feelings, and I think they’re right but, really I don’t KNOW and I feel I have to, especially in order to get over this and move on (with you). The thing is, I also know how hurt I’ll be when I hear the truths when you utter the disgusting words. I’ll want to hit you, I’ll cry and I’ll go through it all over again and I don’t want that.
Where does that leave me though? If I don’t get the truth and stay, I’ll be forever thinking about it. Forever wondering and definitely forever mistrusting you. If I sit down and listen to it (if you would even tell me) then I have to actually relive it all. I do that anyway but not as severe as I would hearing it from the horses mouth. This way there’s still doubt. This way there’s still a chance I’m wrong.
Either way I look at it our relationship is done. Over. Finished. When you tell me you love me I want to slap you. I really do. I want to slap you for having the balls to say that, someone who loves someone as much as you profess to would never do what you did to me.
When you hold me in bed at night I lay there with tears rolling down my cheeks because all i can think about is “how many times did he hold her this way while I was waiting for him to come home?”
The wind is howling outside and it’s raining cats and dogs… Think I’ll pour myself another drink and watch, how sweet it is to have mood music.