I am so restless tonight. I feel like I am all alone. I feel like crap.
I can feel you out there. Tired. Weary. Exhausted. I feel you. I can’t do this anymore. I feel you every where you go. You have been chained tomy soul. And I keep wondering when you will come back, because you always do.
I wonder if you know how I have sent my days too… How I have been wandering and hearing the ocean call my name, the trees. I want to slink off into nothingness. I leave for Peru in just a few short months and I am aching, aching, to be somewhere beyond the reach of a phone, not wondering if or when you will text me. Not feeling pulse rush when I see I have a new message or missed call. Both dreading and anticipating you.
I wonder if you have seen me standing by the water, or overlooking the city with another guy. Him holding my heart in his hands while I cry. Not because he wants anything from me, but because he wants me to get better. I WANT to get better. I wonder if you see me struggling to change, to become interested in new people only to fall short and find myself wanting you again. As only you know me.
Everyone else seems so alien, so far away. I don’t feel pretty anymore. Ever. I am pretty sure this shows in my face. You made me feel sexy, gorgeous and alive. You made me realize I was everyone else’s plaything, and mist likely yours too. I don’t want anyone to look at me. I want everyone to look at me. I want to move, to start over, I want to disappear. I don’t want this time to exist anymore.
I am through with this phase in my life. And now I stop, I look around and I forget you ever existed. You seem like a memory from another time. Then the feelings sink in and I realize you are not a memory, or even a surreal dream, you are real. YOU are out there somewhere right now, living and breathing this air. The moment I think this thought, this connection springs forward and I am right beside you, a part of you. I can see everything you are doing. I have roamed the rooms where you have slept, flipped through papers in the night. I have watchednyou walk down the hallway and flip the switch, waiting for me to walk down the hallway toward you. I have felt you missing me so much that your thoughts wake me in the middle of the night.
I know you know this. We have talked about it before. But I wonder, do you do it too, to you watch me while I am sleeping, slip down the hallway and try to find clues about my life outside of you. No, of course you do not. You don’t want to know what you would find, you have told me that too.
I guess what I am really trying to say is that I miss you.
I am scared too.