It feels like so much as been going on, and if I don’t tell somebody, I’m going to explode.
-I’ve started tanning to become more beautiful in society’s eyes.. It’s making my scars disappear. On one hand.. I like that. It’s a fresh slate. At the same time, I don’t. Those are MY scars. MY pain. MY feelings. I made those cuts. They’re MINE.
-I saw you walking on the street W. Oh god. My heart did this little flutter thing. I don’t know why. But what I do know, is that I haven’t stopped thinking about you. You look amazing, and I wanted to touch your blonde hair, and run my fingers through it. I don’t even know why. Then I dreamed about you that night.. And it was so weird.. But so familiar. We were at a party, and you turned to me and said, “We’re past all that aren’t we? We can be friends now.” I agreed… And from there, we hung out that whole party, getting drunk together, sitting closer and closer to each other, and flirting like we used to. We were fun and laughing… Like we used to. I just remember being so happy, and everything being perfect in that dream. I woke up missing you. So damn bad.
-After I woke up, I wanted to text you S. You would have known what to tell me, to reassure me that I didn’t need him. I thought of your hugs today, and I melted. I miss them. And how I fit into your arms immediately, without any practice. I wanted to pick up my phone and text you.. Then remembered not to. I’ve been sick since we stopped talking. When I say sick, I mean, I can’t even eat without my stomach destroying me. I don’t know what it is. I know it really, really hurts.
Honestly? I just want to run away, get crazy drunk, go to random parties, and flirt with guys.
Lots of guys.
I think this is the effects of the molestation.
This is going less then great.