I told you no.
Every interaction I’ve had with you has been emotionally loaded. I go into it feeling anxious. I often leave feeling flustered. I almost always dreaded seeing you.
Then you asked to see me one last time and talk all this stuff through, tell me that you still love me, that you want to try this out and see if it will work. You talked me through it until it almost looked glamorous, it almost seemed like “us” would be something that could work, or at least that we should try. I’ll admit, I wanted to.
Then the morning came, and with daylight everything looked different. I wanted to protect you, to protect myself, I wanted this to be love and not selfish desire on my part. So I told you no. I left it at that. And that’s what it was.
I think I’ve seen you three times since then…
And here’s the thing…
Every time, my heart flutters. When I think about you, my skin prickles. When you smiled, I wanted to make it happen again. When you pouted in mock indignation, I kept teasing you in jest. I liked being around you. And since I last saw you, I can’t seem to shake this feeling that maybe I missed out on something.
I really don’t know if I could make the step to change my mind. And I don’t know if you would take me up on it anyway.
But I still can’t help but wonder what “us” could have been and to what I just adamantly said no.