I wish I could talk about all that has been on my mind with you in person. I am quite certain that you will never have a clue about any of this unless I become suddenly courageous and do. But, without further ado, here goes.
I blame my mom for making me like you. It was on a day when she thought it was necessary to give me a talk about dating. She always brings it up in the car because she knows it is impossible for me to outrun her questions. As usual, one of my points about my nonexistent dating life was that no one I ever liked would be good enough in her eyes. She then proceeded to list off all the “wonderful” guys that she would set me up with if I let her. Then, she commented that she really didn’t care whom I liked, as long as I wouldn’t date you… You know me, I’m not a rebel. But just hearing your name in such a context just seemed to open my eyes to how wonderful you are. She doesn’t know you. She has no clue about how charming, kind, smart, and talented you are. And she doesn’t care. All she sees is where you come from, and judges you based on that.
Now that you know how this entire thing came about, I feel I should voice some of my own opinions. I think you are beautiful. I always think I have you figured out, then I learn of some new hidden ability you have and am even more amazed by you. You are the only boy I have ever been around that has come to sit with me when I am all alone. The only one who has ever offered to carry things for me, or has gladly opened doors for me. The only one who cares enough to ask me how my day has been. You are the first person to make my heart feel whole in such a long time… The funny thing is, I don’t even know if you like me. You are a gentleman to most everyone, and a complete flirt. It just isn’t in my nature to be open with people and I am afraid that if I am honest with you, all the little things you do that brighten my day will vanish.
If you cannot see yourself with me, I wish you would simply stop. Stop with the kind gestures. If you don’t like me as more than a friend, don’t help me, don’t go out of your way to make conversation with me, don’t stand behind me, make me guess who, and then dazzle me with your smile. Don’t play with my mind or my beaten and scarred heart. Just leave me as I was…
If you do happen to read this, please don’t tell me. Just make your decision, one way or the other, it will be easier on both of us that way. Please, remember that I care about you and I’ll be strong.
The nerdy girl in the back of the room, who already loves you as a friend, but is starting to like you even more…