I’ve finally come to accept it – you’re broken, I’m fine. You’re the one who chose to put more effort into destroying us than fixing us. Six years we had, six years you refused to talk to me about what who you are and what you need. Sending me to websites to read about your kink was a fuckin’ insult; what made you think that reading other people’s words would be a suitable substitute for your own words?
You’re selfish – nursing you and trying to take care of you through your cancer did, indeed, earn me the reasonable expectation that you would talk to me about. No, instead you went behind my back and set things up with a man you always said you hated. Oh, wait, no, now you say you always loved him. Which was the lie?
And that’s the crux of the matter – you spent six years lying to me about everything. About who you are, about what you want, about how much you loved me. Everything. Seems the true you is a narcissist, someone who writes scripts in her head and expects others to follow them like good little actors and, when they don’t, they deserve whatever pain and rough treatment you feel like giving them as long as your own needs get satisfied.
For six years I stagnated in your presence. I fell off-track with my career, with my personal growth, trying so hard to please you without your help to guide me. For six years you stood there, silent, refusing to share with me and finally deciding it was all my fault. For six years you bitched and whined to your friend K who always came back with, “Have you talked to him about this?” and the answer was always no.
Everyone around you has seen your deceit and treachery, seen how you treated me without just cause. You’re the one who lied, you’re the one who silently laughed in my face with the email privacy comment (because you knew what you had hidden in there). You used my trust in you against me. You think I’m the only one you hurt? Oh, no… everyone who knows you and saw what you did no longer trusts you at all. Family and friends both. That’s why your one son turned his back on you; you disgusted him. That’s why you’re losing friends. That’s why you have so few callers to the house. Go ahead and have a dinner party – don’t cook too much though. You should hear what I’m told by the people you think are on your side. No one is on your side except the ex you once hated but now he’s your whole world. He’s even manipulated you into abandoning your maternal instincts but, of course, you don’t see that because he’s that good.
But you’re happy now, right? Tossing your honor, integrity and credibility in the trash was worth it I guess
You’re the one who’s broken, not me. I’m fine. I’m good-looking, smart, witty, charming and, fact is, I’m having to pick and choose which of these women contacting me gets my attention. I’ve picked up some rope skills from a new friend. Met a lady who also works for the same hospital you do; she heard the story, asked her questions to get at the heart of the matter and made it clear that you are a bad sub and were from the start.
I’m not broken, you are. I’m good. I’m a good person, you’re a liar and a cheat. No matter how much you justify it to make it okay so you can sleep at night the facts are the facts and they speak for themselves no matter how much you want to minimize, protest or explain it away. You’re the only one who believes your lies. When people ask, “Are you happy?” they don’t believe you; something in your voice sounds “strained” and “forced.” But, hey, whatever floats your boat, even if the boat is floating in an unflushed toilet bowl.
And that man you’re with is a total fool if he doesn’t have your email passwords. A housekeeper, he is, a “house husband.” Some Dom; a lazy fuck is what he is, mooching off you. I never mooched off you, never made your bank balance drop below the cost of a tank of gas, never got between you and your kids but somehow I’m the bad guy in your passion play.
The lies we tell ourselves are more powerful then the ones we tell others. Remember that. As for me, I still have my integrity, credibility and honor.
You’re the one who’s broken and you consciously chose to be that way. You have my pity.