You’re right. There is more to my decision that I don’t want to be friends anymore. You know it. I know it. You know I know it. And I know you know it. We both know what it is but as is tradition of me, I didn’t say it and I didn’t admit it.
I still have feelings for you. (Why is it so impossible to say it out loud?) I have always had feelings for you and I always will. No matter how much I hate it and want it to be different, those feelings are never going away. And at this point, its hurting me much more than helping either of us.
Through these past five years I’ve tried every possible way to get over you. Lied to myself, written in my journal, meditated, went out with other guys, prayed, drank too much alcohol, refused to see you for 7 months, blatantly didn’t speak to you for 4 months, and even dated your brother. In these five years I’ve literally thought about you every single day. Whether that be a positive or negative thing, I did it.
We’ve obviously had our ups and downs and I would never, ever want to forget any of it because you’ve taught me so much about myself and the life all around me. It still amazes me that through all the shit we went through, we were never officially together because the memories sure as hell feel like it. I know the reason for that is a majority of my fault for not necessarily seeing the “signs” and straight up ignoring when you told me how you felt about me and for letting you slip through my fingers. And maybe I can even throw in there that night when I didn’t admit to the main reason I was “breaking up with you.”
I know I can blame myself mostly but it doesn’t change the fact that we never truly had our shot. In the back of my mind I had always assumed we would at some point in our lives. I was mostly just waiting for you and Megan to break up while taking a seat far beneath the radar. But let’s be real here, I know I’m a little messed up, but so are you. You’ve known this girl for three years (for six of those months you were at basic training) and you’re her first boyfriend. You somehow think you’re both ready to be engaged and married? No.
I realize I may have lost the right to give my opinion on this matter, but I don’t believe either of you are ready for this. I personally think that was a stupid idea and I still can’t believe you’re actually engaged right now. The main reason to propose to a girl should be, “Because I love her more than anything and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with her,” NOT, “Because I think its the right time.”
Every time I see you with her it breaks my heart just a little more. I love spending time with you and I love who we are together. But the two worlds don’t mix, when we try to make them I always end up hurt.
As much as I want to stay in your life and as much as I want you in my life, I’m finally thinking about what is best for me. And that is to protect my heart from the same brutality it encounters every time its reminded that you and I will never get our chance. Just like we agreed upon in January 2009, TIMING IS A BITCH.
So far, without even the mere idea of you reentering my life, I’ve been able to open myself up again. I’m somehow stronger because I know what I want and what I need. I’ve been able to let go of my insecurities believing I’m not good enough and let myself be free to be exactly who I am. I’m not trying to fit into a mold and I’m not scheduling my life around “maybes, buts, ifs, or could-happens.”
I won’t lie to you, I’ll always be a little sad about how we ended up. Believe me, its not at all how I’d imagined or hoped for. Wasn’t even my plan B, C, D, or even Q.
I wish I had the courage to say all of this to your face. You deserve all of this to be said to your face, but I just can’t open up the wound after only 14 days.
I’ll always want and hope for the best for you and despite how we ended, if you ever need me, I’ll always be there.