• Why?

    by  • March 4, 2012 • Letting Go • 2 Comments


    Why do I love you? I think I finally have it figured out… You represent to me all the things that I want to be. Independant, strong, capable… I am none of those things, being alone scares me, change scares me, I like routine, I like feeling stable. I hoped to find all those things by being with you.

    I can’t change you, nor do I really want to anymore. I don’t think I want to be with you anymore though. This weekend has been a wake up call to me. I can’t trust you.

    Yes. Yes you are strong. Yes you are independant. Yes you’re perfectly fine being alone. In fact, you prefer it. I want to be capable of being alone. I would rather not be.

    I wanted my home to be yours. I wanted to share our lives. I wanted to wake up every morning to you, I wanted to go to sleep with you. I wanted so much from you. Too much.

    I can’t follow you. For that I’m sure you are relieved because I really, with all that I am, believe that’s the last thing you would want.
    To have me to wake up to every morning, to have me take care of you when you’re sick. To have me make you breakfast, lunches and dinners… No that’s not what you want.

    It’s going to take a long freaking time for me to get over you. A long, LONG time. I will do it though and the sooner you’re gone the better. I do not trust myself to stay away from you. Until you leave I’m yours. Loyally and faithfully. much unlike the way I have you. The day you leave is the day i start licking my wounds. I will never see you again.

    I will never see you again.
    I will never see you again.
    I will never see you again.

    You have hurt me enough. I miss you so much. I love you SO MUCH but, you cannot be trusted and you have certainly proved that this weekend. I wanted to believe you. I really did. I didn’t want to go through your phone. I really didn’t. yes by me not telling you so WAS a lie. I myself lied to you. I lied. I didn’t tell you beforehand. What if I had? Would you have confessed everything? Confessed to all the lies YOU told?

    I can’t trust you. I can’t. I want to. I want to so fucking badly. Why wouldn’t you lie though? As it is you have me, you know you do. I want tnothing more than to have you as mine.

    You know something? Since I know you’ll never EVER read this I’m going to say it. Yes I wanted a proposal, I want one, I want so desperately for you to come and tell me you want me. That you want to put a ring on my finger, that you want to totally claim me. I’d be yours and yours alone. For good. That will never happen with you. Not in a million years.

    I want that.

    It hurts me so much that the one I love is not the one who loves me but, isn’t that the way it usually works? What I can’t help thinking is how someone can be so cruel as to hold on to someone that they don’t really love? How can they just hang on for whatever reason other than love?

    Yes, yes I will be destroyed when he goes. I will be more broken than I am now, and I would think that would be hard to be. However, If he were to come to me tomorrow and tell me he doesn’t feel the same and he doesn’t want to continue I would be forced to get over it. I would be forced to get on with my life. Eventually maybe I would meet someone who wanted what I have to give and they would love me. I would love them and perhaps, maybe just maybe things would be good.

    STOP FUCKING WITH PEOPLE! If you don’t feel the same way about someone TELL THEM! Don’t let them invest in you and then fuck off. Do you know by not hurting their feelings early on that you’re killing them? If you want someone else, if you love someone else then fucking go be with them, if you want to be alone then go be alone. FOR FUCKS SAKES. You’re all selfish assholes, yes it would be hard, yes it;s not only going to hurt the person but you as well. You’re saving someone a whole lot of grief by doing it though.

    I’m so tired.

    2 Responses to Why?

    1. installthestars
      March 4, 2012 at 6:52 pm

      EXACTLY what im going through. keep your head up & stay strong.

    2. sp
      March 4, 2012 at 9:23 pm

      i wish i was as strong as you i love this guy for 3 years now we’ve been together on n off n now just best friends he told he never wants to be married n yet i still hold hoping he’ll change his mind someday it hurts me to see him flirt with other girls cuz i know they’ll never truly love and care for him as much i do…. i want to so badly let go but it scares me think ill never find any thing better…

    Leave a Reply