• where to turn to

    by  • March 4, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 1 Comment

    I don’t even have anyone to write this too. so I guess it’s to everyone that has ever met me. I have woken up crying for the last two weeks straight. I cannot seem to make myself happy. I have been on and off with a couple guys and ever since I have been alone I can not make myself happy. I don’t know who to turn to or what to do. All I can think of is death. and how it is going to happen anyways so why not now? If I am going to die I at least want to go the way I want to. I know that not being alive will not solve any issues but i cannot seem to come up with any other solution to make me happy.

    I broke up with my boyfriend over a year and half ago and suddenly he randomly text me and calls me and says how he wants me and wants to be with me and hook up with me.. the normal drunken fone call. but the thing is, i have waited for that moment since we have broken up. And when I finally got the moment I didn’t have the feelings i thought i would. Its almost like my last hope of true love is gone.

    After me and my boyfriend broke up, i had moved on or at least pretended to and dated another guy. He was truly amazing and wonderful and everything you could ask for in a guy. He treated me like a princess. We had broken up this past summer because of distance and then he randomly texts me one night over the summer saying he wants me back in his life. We started talking again eventually end up dating again. and I go out to NYC and see him for my winter break and I was so unhappy. Once again my last hope of love was gone.

    After this boyfriend I had met a new guy who I thought would change everything. He would stare at me for hours and he would say its because I am so beautiful. I had never had a guy call me beautiful and actually mean it ever. So I really thought he was the one. I had put him through a lot of shit and eventually he couldn’t handle it and ended it with me a couple weeks ago.

    Ever since that happened I cannot make myself happy. I have been so miserable to the point that I have considered death as my only option. I dont know what to do. I need somewhere to turn to. I need help. I don’t want to be unhappy. I don’t want to think killing myself is a solution. If anyone out there feels the same way please let me know. Or let me know how you got out of feeling this hopeless and this worthless. I just need someone out there to care for me. to know what I am feeling and going through.

    One Response to where to turn to

    1. friend
      March 4, 2012 at 9:52 pm

      i hope you’re reading this. like, hope deep down in the belly of my hearts that you’re reading this. i probably have never met you before, but i’m not sure that matters. i’ve been with people in similar situations to yours, but sometimes that doesn’t make anyone feel better. just… not so… “i don’t see anyone else going through this” kind of thing… my point is, i care about you. more than you can imagine. as much as i hate to say it, i feel empty sometimes too. okay, a lot of times. some days it seems like there’s no hope, then you catch a glimpse of a light at the end of this dark tunnel and your hopes rise only to be crushed again, and every time you find it’s harder and harder to get back up. eventually you ask yourself “why bother? i’ll just fall again…”
      i … i hate this feeling, and i don’t want anyone to feel this way. there’s only one way to feel whole, to find peace and rest and love that will never hurt you. death is not that way. death doesn’t erase these feelings, it only finalizes them. i don’t know your history beyond what you’ve shown me in the letter, i don’t know what you believe, i’m not saying that you have to believe me. it’s your choice what to do with the time you’re given, what to pursue with your life. but the only thing that i know in this world that can give someone true peace and rest is the love of Jesus. He loves you more than anything else he created, he has you here for a reason. i love you too much to want you to not be here, i want you here more than anything else in the world.

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