• Reflection: A Final Letter to Espea

    by  • March 4, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Dear Espea,

    After over sixty submissions either directed to you or talking about you, I find myself at crossroads again. Thus far, I have opted for the left pathway without fail. Even those times I started out on the path on the right, I got trapped in the land of “what if?” and ended up turning around to pursue the left path again, because *what if* what I was looking for were hiding behind the next bend? I have noticed it’s always the *next* bend, not the one I’ve already rounded. And it is no different than the saying “Tomorrow never comes” in regards to procrastinators. This… this hope, I am now convinced, will never come to fruition.

    I feel as if God is steering me away from you, because either we aren’t ready or aren’t meant for each other, or some other reason that only God Himself knows. Our breakup was hard. Even that particular day, you knew how difficult it was for me and how much I hated what I was telling you, but I followed through with what I thought was right. A few months later, I knew my Love for you outweighed all the reasons I told myself it couldn’t work and I tried so hard to remedy it. Our “friendship” (if you could call it that) was as stable as a swamp, often fading in and out of view drastically. Sometimes we’d talk and joke, and other times we’d shut the other out of our lives for weeks.

    My heart started getting the better of me after about six months and I went to work on a project to get you back. I put all of my artistic ability into this project and it took me weeks to finish, and that is putting in several hours a day into it. I never worked so hard on a project before, but I knew you deserved the best my abilities could offer, and so I persisted until I believed I had achieved that goal.

    This project consisted of two parts: a letter and a video. The letter was a beautiful piece that removed all the walls surrounding my heart and laid everything on the line. It was also my very first letter that I posted on here, and I received many positive and encouraging comments on it. The video was one I made myself using a simple program on my computer. It was made up of a poem I wrote, as beautiful and endearing as I could make it, recited by myself with a slideshow of old pictures of us in the background that I had kept. I wanted to win back your heart and I was sure this would do it. I knew you so well and was sure that I could fix the rift between us by using these tools.

    Phase one: Send letter. We had been talking online while you were on a mission trip back East, and somehow the issue came up and I sent it to you there even though I had planned on waiting until you came back. I didn’t get the initial reaction I had hoped for, but over time it seemed to work it’s magic and we talked more. We flirted, skyped, told the same old jokes and laughed. We even began making DATE IDEAS for the future, as if it were a done deal! Surely you can imagine my mental and emotional state as all of this is unfolding. The hope inside me was phenomenal; beautiful.

    About a week later, at the end of July, you invited me over to your mom’s house to talk things over. I was nervous. I was excited. I was confident. All at the same time. When I got there, I couldn’t find my words (as you know I have issues speaking orally sometimes), and so I had the “bright” idea of allowing my video to speak for me, to break the ice. So I brought out my laptop and set phase two into motion. We both sat there for two minutes while my voice was emitted from the speakers, intertwining beautifully with the images sliding across the screen. After that showing, I found some words and used them to convey as best I could what I had hoped would happen between us and how much I sincerely Loved you so.

    Yet for all my effort, something changed in the space of those two minutes. My uphill climb inverted drastically and spiraled downhill before I could stop it. You were nice. You were polite. You were sensitive. But I could sense behind those eyes a tension that was absent prior to my video. I hadn’t anticipated this. You gave me the “friends” speech. The “incompatible” speech. The “brother” speech. All molded into one and I left there with a heavy heart unable to make sense of what had just happened. All indicators pointed to anything but this. Bliss. Happiness. A second chance. Instead I drove away from you one last time, refusing to look in my rear view mirror.

    All this time I’ve attempted to make sense of all this, regularly reflecting back to that night in July. Numerous letters have arisen, all trying to make sense of my situation and how I could live without such a great light I once had in my life.

    Yes, I know that’s a lot to read through, and probably a lot of memories you’d rather do without. But writing it all out one final time helps put things into perspective. As I look back at it now, I am certain I see the hand of God working through that video in an unexpected way to push you away from me. I have no other logical explanation. Everything was perfect, seemingly, yet the result was a backfire I didn’t anticipate. And now even after all these months, I know your stance has not changed, even though we haven’t spoken since December. I think perhaps you may have commented on one of my more recent letters to you, but you disappeared before your identity could be confirmed. Either way, I think I’m officially done here.

    I will not leave this site and I will not stop contributing to the flow of letters that fill its pages. But I WILL stop scanning letters in search for your voice, and rather read each letter in its entirety to fully capture the beauty of the heart behind it. And I WILL not write another letter addressed to you again because I and fed up with all the crap in my life, and this matter of the heart is part of that. As of today, I am shedding anything that does not benefit my life or my faith for good, and I’m going to work towards reaching my full potential.

    If you ever do happen to read this letter, know that a piece of my heart will always Love you. Anything else would be a lie, and you know full well that I have NEVER lied to you, and never will. And although this is good-bye to the conflict in my heart, that doesn’t mean your own heart will be downright rejected should it attempt to seek mine again.

    May God always be with you and continue to bless you.

    In Christ,

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