Now or never phone call was the best title I could think of. Why?
While standing in my shower thinking I am so okay with with dying crying so hard that I made no sound, I realized I needed to call my parent, my ex stepfather. It was late and I said to myself, this call I am going to make has to be now or never.
My first words to my stepdad on the phone were “How do you know if you are depressed?” What a great conversation starter. Then came “Would mom even care if I died?”
We talked for awhile, the conversation taught me a lot. Understand I am 19 years old and this was not the first time I realized I was okay with dying. I am not some sappy kid who sits alone in my room. I am one of those kids where you would be overly shocked to have found out that I have killed myself. I seem to be happy and I am such a fun and personable person. My famous line is “It could be worse.” Every situation I have ever been in, no matter how bad it seems, I say, and know, it could be worse.
I hate myself. I did nothing in my wrong in my life to deserve this. I am an overly loving person who loves God, and loves everyone no matter what. I would save a fly in the pool and welcome a homeless man into my home. I am a good person. Why do I hate myself.
You would never know because you never cared to listen.
Mom. I feel this way mostly because of what you have done or there the lack there of what you have done in my life. You were my best friend in the entire world, then one day you decided you didn’t want me. You didn’t want me. Thank you.
Just know, you did this.
I do not want you to feel bad for me, I just want you to know that everything you do affects me in some way, and no matter what happens, I will love you unconditionally like you should love me.
In a way you have failed me. Please don’t feel bad. That is the last thing I want.
Please call me.