so I’ve been thinking a lot about ending things now and I don’t know if I could continue something in the future with someone who doesn’t want to be with me now. It’s a commit now or never thing for me. If you want to be with me, you will be with me, no matter the cost. I want to be with you, but only if you want to be with me no matter how much pain there will be in the end because you “love” me so fucking much. You need to grow a pair to be with me cause I’m in this – till we fight it out and have a real ending. Not some pussy little text. If we end things now but still stay in contact, I will just be wanting you for the next year, and I would assume you would want me too. But because you’re afraid of the consequences and of the pain, we wouldn’t be together. And that would cause more pain than ever. Not being with you this past couple days has made me feel so alone here, because I know that no one wants to be connected with me anymore because I am leaving. They all are jumping ship and it hurts to see so many people, whom I love so much, not even trying to keep their relationships with me. It makes me feel like I meant nothing to them. Like my relationship with them is a trifle to be thrown away when it gets too hard. No one is fighting for me here. I live 2000 miles away from all of my best friends, and now I’m moving 6 state lines away from everyone here. I have kept up my relationships there, do you not trust me to keep them up here? You know, better than ANYONE that when I care about something and when I have the passion for something I will fight for it like no other. I will surrender myself to that pain just so that others will flourish. I want you to be happy. And that’s why this is tearing me apart. Because you think what will make you happy is not what will make me happy. What makes me happy is you. Being with you, knowing that we would have a future. But if we don’t have a present, the future cannot exist. If I know that you will run when things get tough, you’re not the guy for me. I know that I would start falling in love with you too. But I’m so scared of you leaving me – maybe I just need to leave you. I shouldn’t be afraid of the person I love. I should be able to give myself completely over to them. I thought I could with you. I gave you so much of myself, and you took it and now you’re running away with it. I want all of it back, I don’t want you to have it, I don’t want to have given it to you.
I need to tell you all of this. But you’re too afraid to see me in person because you will fall in love with me all over again. And as much as I want you next to me every night, I can’t trust you to be there.