• Dear S,

    by  • March 3, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Yearning • 0 Comments

    Since we said our goodbyes, you are on my mind constantly. You are the first thing I think of when I wake in the morning and you occupy my last thoughts at night before I drift off to sleep. I know how wrong this is. I know we can never be together. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want to hurt her either. I know you don’t want to hurt her. I’m trying to go back to that point in time when you were merely one of my best friends. Someone to laugh with, share the good times with, and even share the hard times. I don’t know what happened. I wish I could put my finger on the exact moment in time when my feelings for you started drifting in a completely different direction…and then rewind time so that I could go back and do something differently so that you would always just be my best friend. But I don’t know when it happened. I didn’t see it coming. One day, those feelings were just there. I’ve tried so hard for so long to change the way I feel but all to no avail.

    I never imagined that you thought of me in any way other than as just a friend. Oh sure, you have flirted with me before when you were drinking but I knew you didn’t mean anything by it. It’s just how you are when you’re drinking. I never saw it coming that day. If someone had told me what was going to happen that day, I would have asked them what kind of drugs they were on. I must admit that I have fantasized about what it would be like to be intimate with you. But I knew it was only a fantasy, a safe place in my head to spend time with you in ways that I knew I never could, because you don’t belong to me, you belong to her. But that day, you showed me that you at least think of me as a woman, a woman and not just a friend. I have to tell you, even though you are not the first man to kiss me, not by a long shot, I have never had a man’s kiss effect me in such a way. I should have pushed you away and asked you what were you thinking. But no, I simply savored that kiss. The first thought though my mind was “what the hell are you doing? you’re married!” I didn’t care. My next thought was “damnit, he’s married too.” Still, honestly, I didn’t care. All I wanted was you, the same as I have for so long. The next thought that entered my mind, the one that brought me up short and caused me to end that kiss, was simply “he’s married to HER, your best friend, don’t you care about that?” That, I did care about. She is so important to me. I just couldn’t do it. No matter how much I wanted to be with you, and believe me you will never know how much I wanted to be with you, I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t destroy her or my friendship with her that way. So we said our goodbyes and I left thinking about you and resigning myself to the knowledge that, if I couldn’t have you in my life in the way I wanted, at least I had you in my life as one of my best friends. It would have to be enough.

    I didn’t know how wrong I was. Apparently, I could not win that day, no matter which decision I made. Had I given in to what I wanted, I would have lost her friendship. So I said no and I left, thinking that was the only thing I really could do. But now, you won’t talk to me anymore. I don’t know why. I don’t know if you’re mad because I said no or if you’re embarrassed that you put yourself out there and I turned you down. I really wish I knew. I only told you no because of her. It damn sure wasn’t what I wanted to do. The memories of that day haunt me. The fact that you have shut me out and pushed me away, the fact that apparently I have lost your friendship now—a friendship just as important to me as my friendship with her is—it kills me. It should change the way that I feel about you. It should make it easier to let go of the feelings I have for you. But it doesn’t. I sit here writing this letter and thoughts of you fill my mind, my heart. My heart aches for you, my body longs for you, my lips still burn from the memory of that kiss. I miss you so much and wish more than anything I could just talk to you about all of this, but I know there is no way to do that. For what it’s worth, I truly do love you. I know it’s crazy, it’s wrong. But that doesn’t change it. Please take care of yourself. I’m sorry that our friendship is dying this tragic death. I know I should be sorry for what happened that day, but I’m not. Even though it was so much easier when I didn’t know the truth of it, that at the very least you are attracted to me too, I just can’t bring myself to be sorry for what happened that day. I will treasure that kiss always.

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