I know it hasn’t even been a week since I last saw you but it feels like its been a year already. I’m nobody without you. I’ve realized so many things, but haven’t told you because it wouldn’t be what you want to hear. You’re my everything, and I just want us to work. The thought of you even kissing another boy is going to drive me so far away from you. I hate it. I mean even just the flavor ecig that I’m using right now, every drag I’ve taken brings me back to you, my jeep, and grand times. I hate just being able to think about the good times and forgetting the bad though, it makes me look like an asshole. I feel like I’m walking on the edge holding onto anything I can grasp to keep myself from falling. I know that once I begin to fall, I’m going to lose my mind, hopefully not but maybe even do something I would regret. I wish we could define us, I wish that we could still be dating, lovey dovey, but concentrate on our own lives. I wish this never happened, I’m such a shitty person for not fixing myself while all the problems were happening, I was bad at talking about them, I was bad at being open, I was bad at way to many things. I know you can’t help it but I dislike how when your upset you need space, when I’m upset I would prefer to be smothered, as long as I’m not angry. I know were both having issues doing this. we both don’t want to. but at the same time feel its necessary to get where you want to go in life. I know that when the day comes that I actually have to drop all thoughts of you, I probably won’t last very long at all. I hate dropping bombs like this but I mean I’m on the edge just from not seeing you for a less than a fucking week. I feel like my mind is already beginning to slip into the avast unknown. The only thing I’ve been able to think about since this happened, is you. I don’t think you have any idea how fucking determined I am to get you back, and quickly. I need us, I can’t bare thinking of us not being together. just the though springs up the how to kill myself action which is never good. I feel like I desperately need you. Idk how to go on living without you being my significant other. If its not possible, if you don’t see it happening I wish you could tell me, so I can just get it over with. I mean there has been nothing in my life that has amounted to anywhere near as much as you have. You try new things for me, you tried frolf, tried snowboarding. Hearing you say that you wanted to learn, made me sooo happy, even though i hid it behind teaching you and how long and how much effort it would take. I probably should have just shown you how important to me it was that you expressed similar interests with me. Just the fact that you wanted to even attempt something that I was extremely passionate about makes me happy. Nobody has ever done that before. They may have said something but when it came down to it they were only words with no truth behind them. I’m just incredibly disappointed in myself, for even letting you begin to slip through my fingers, I should have grabbed you and stopped you right from the start. If I had a time machine I would go back and make everything perfect as fuck for us. Ali wouldn’t of been born, isaac would have never interfered with us, there would be no stress or depression or sadness, our lives would be perfect. I need to be your dream man. I need to be the one that makes you happy. I mean if you find your happiness without me, and it was because you started dating somebody else, I don’t think I would even think about anything besides ending my life because I wasn’t the one to succeed in giving you everything that you want. If you don’t find happiness until you begin dating someone else, that just shows me that were not meant to be, and I’m so fucking set on us together forever I would just throw my life away. I would probably leave a note for you and you alone, just explaining why, how it wasn’t your fault but mind and my fucked up thinking. It will ultimately just be me being selfish just like every other moment in my life. I hate being selfish around you, I wish I could just do everything that you wanted, instead of trying to think of what I want. I wish I wasn’t so stubborn either, I hate being wrong, and have trouble admitting when I am, especially if its during a fight, it seems to make it ten times harder, I’m unsure as to why but it does and it fucking sucks. If you suggest something sometimes I’m so stubborn that I just won’t want anything to do with it because it wasn’t my idea. I also hate my selective hearing. I mean I wish I had some control over it. I think my selfishness may be the root of all of our problems and yet I have no fucking clue how to fix it, I feel like its just me, and you say that somebody should be happy with me the way I am, but seriously, nobody will be. I’m to much of a horrible person to ever have a successful relationship. two, two of my serious girlfriends have now both dumped me after 1 year and 10 months. I knew that was going to happen to, I saw it a mile away. I was asking myself how long until you get sick of me and leave me. It didn’t have much to do what was going around us at the time, but more so just the timing. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to be in a relationship again. I’m not fit for it I guess, I’m just not the proper man that I need to be and this is incredibly depressing to me. I clearly have to figure out how the fuck to change myself, but I don’t know how possible that is I mean its been like this for so god damned long. You say I’m living in denial, and that’s true. If I weren’t Idk if I would even be here. In all seriousness I am having the biggest struggle believing that you actually want to come back to me. I mean zoe said the same thing, and I got fucked over, hard. if it happens Twice, I don’t know if I would be able to survive. I’m starting to view life in a different light. Unfortunately its a very dark light, dark and depressing. I don’t like seeing the world in this way I would much rather prefer my old optimistic everything will work out frame of mind, but thats just how I want the world to work, its not actually how it works, and I guess to make the world work, you just have to let the darkness fall and blind you from the happy. I know thats not what we are supposed to be doing, but it’s happening, it’s not in my control at all.