“In your eyes I see things I know I cannot touch, I know not to reach for them, I let them touch me.
And I cherish these moments that we’re able to share, however fleeting they may be.”
That’s how it always felt with you, J. I knew you weren’t a very affectionate person, and it was always me who initiated everything – hugging, kisses, even the sex. I didn’t mind much, you never turned me down.
I loved being with you. Talking about my amazing boyfriend, with his guitar and his singing, his gourmet cooking and his writing. His huge movie collection and awesome sense of humor.
I loved eating real, fancy food at your dinner table and then sharing a cigarette, with the empty plates between us. Learning new things about one another.
When you took me walking on the river, over the frozen ice that could have cracked any moment and sent us plunging into the freezing water… that was awe-inspiring. Knowing we could have died right then and there was an adrenaline rush. Then lying on the ice and looking at the stars, so cheesy but so amazing.
It felt like every time I saw you, you let something slip that I hadn’t known about you. I suppose I cant be upset if you just wanted to keep these things private. But I loved learning about you.
I wasn’t lying when I said that your ex-wife calling you didn’t make me uncomfortable. I trusted you from day one. I wouldn’t expect anything different than for her to call you when your son learned something new. It’s big news.
And then one day out of nowhere you ended it. You said you didn’t give yourself enough time since you and your wife split up. I get that. I totally understand. You said you thought you were ready but you weren’t. I get it. It just would have been nice for you to figure that out a bit sooner.
You broke my heart.
I still hardly sleep. I barely eat.
And then, not even a week after you left me, you called me. Said you felt really, really messed up and didn’t know why you called. I asked if you wanted me to come over. You said yes.
So I bussed the 2 hours to your place in the freezing weather, and I comforted you while you cried about your wife. How she had dumped her boyfriend the day after you dumped me. How she said she still loved you… and then you poured your heart out to her and she rejected you.
I listened to you and comforted you while you cried. And then I brought you another beer, lit you a smoke and patted your back.
You said you felt like a dick for it, but I was happy to help you. I’m happy to still be able to see you and talk to you, even though it hurts.
And I might be a really horrible person for this but I’m glad she didn’t want to get back with you. I still hold out hope that someday you’ll want me again. Until then, I’ll be your pal. Your bro. whatever you need.
I love you.