• Maybe I should ….

    by  • March 2, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 3 Comments

    Maybe I should tell you, but somehow I just can’t anymore, not right now.

    There were times when I felt I could talk to you about anything. Happy, silly little moments that fill me, emotions and tears I shed, even things that you said that hurt me. An openness with a drive to share with you, I couldn’t even explain to myself, much less to you – voiding all logical reason. You were the one I always think of first in good and bad.

    You are still the one I always think of first!

    Remember when I told you after some argument (I don’t even remember) that the real reason to worry begins with silence? I have become quiet, I know I have. It feels that it doesn’t really matter to you anymore though.

    Everything inside of me is screaming out to you. Asking you for help, asking you to really take a breath, a moment designated just selfishly for me. A moment to just hold me and let me feel, that everything will be alright. More often then not, not a single word escapes my lips.
    I specifically write *let me feel* because somehow words begun to fade.

    Why?

    Reality.

    I have begun to believe you.

    Believe that this is exactly how you want your life to be
    Believe that your life gives you most happiness just the way it is
    Believe that our love with never find mutual reconciliation
    Believe that there are really two worlds instead of one

    With your walls erected so sturdy and high, my little chisel will never be able to make light.

    Silence because through all the help I need, what I really need is simply you and your love. The kind of love that you don’t feel for me.

    So maybe I should tell you all of this but words are words, and knowing you, I know how mine make you feel. Words that I have expressed before.
    So, those words are something you don’t really want to be reminded of.
    Those words, and so many more are therefor useless and created the silence
    of my acceptance.

    Right now, I just have no strength left to chisel, and merely stare at this wall imagining your beautiful face behind it.
    A face with a smile for the little comfort I am able to give.
    A vision that will always remain in my heart and soul.

    I am me, not really holding myself back, but simply let you be you.

    I love and I miss you more then you may ever understand.

    3 Responses to Maybe I should ….

    1. DC
      March 2, 2012 at 10:56 am

      I could easily imagine my ex writing this. The situation sounds exactly like what we had. So let me give you my perspective.

      I couldn’t get through to her. I tried, she closed up. Not just near the end but several times throughout our years together. When the end came, out of the blue for me, I pointed out that I had tried to talk to her and got nothing. Well, as it all turned out she HAD told me everything, but here and there, in parts sometimes months apart.

      Men, in general, don’t communicate like that very well. We need linear, like you presented above. So show him this letter, give him a chance to digest it, prod him, once, to talk about it. If he stays the same after that then, yeah, I guess things are going downhill. But give him the chance to understand in the way he can.

    2. SillyMe
      March 2, 2012 at 12:46 pm

      @DC
      And so we cross path again. Wise words and I am well aware of the correctness of each single one. I named this mindball ‘maybe I should..’ because in a way, I really want to do just that. Selfish as I am. However, I haven’t send my ‘wants’ nor will I pass this one on! To make a very complex story short, there is no use in doing so. I know he loves me and has deep feelings, but he is, what he calls *in love* with someone else. No matter what, we can not force feelings and I am simply left to accept it. This includes my own feelings though, which I express on here. Those, that despite all better judgment and logic, won’t fade.

      My life is currently a disaster zone in every corner, and I am trying hard to re-built more then just my emotional state.
      I’m too old for this mess, but it is what it is. Seems you know a little about that, too my dear 😉
      Maybe it would be nice to exchange thoughts with you other then on LINS but I really didn’t want to impose my currently rather wacky self onto you. However, if my words did not scare you to the bones (as they should), please feel free to request my email and I will accept.
      Either way, thank you for your mindfulness! Best wishes to you.

    3. DC
      March 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm

      Sure, I can always use a new friend and someone to talk/ write to/with.

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