• I love you, I wish I could – but I can’t ask for help

    by  • March 2, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Riding in the subway I give my seat away to someone who needs it more.

    At the cash register I let someone with only a few items ahead of me.

    Passing a homeless person I give them some money or some food, exchange a few words. Some of their stories are very touching.

    If I see acquaintances, co-workers struggle, I ask if I can help.

    Friends and family I know what’s needed and give whatever it takes, whatever I have, without a question, unasked for and in silence, to let them keep their dignity.

    I ALWAYS have an open ear and my shoulders are broader then of many o’ man to lean on. Freely, willingly, no judgment, no expectations for return.

    I know how hard it is to ask for help! I know, because I have been there long time ago, and as life chooses (or my own stupidity!), now again.

    Life taught me not to expect, and I don’t, but I can’t help to wish for just a little of the same mindfulness.

    To all the ones that care so much for me, that love me:

    I am sorry but I won’t ask for your help to make yourself feel needed, you should know how much I love and need you.

    I am sorry if above words upset you but this is how you make ME feel by wishing that I would ASK for help.

    I am sorry for thinking that if you don’t know me enough, to see how I am struggling, if you don’t give freely and without judgment, I can’t ask for it.

    I am sorry that I am not beaten down enough, not yet far enough – nor will I ever be (I hope), for this little tiny speck of pride to be gone.

    I am sorry that I am tired of justifying myself just because I am different, have a different mindset and have become more silent then I used to be.

    I am sorry that I am flawed and just can’t rid myself of this little pride left (among many other flaws that I am well aware of).

    I am sorry I can’t be a better person right now, I know, I can do better. Even though it may seem, like not much at all to you? I am trying my best, please give me time, I will get there.

    I am sorry I can’t ask for help even though deep down, I would really like to.

    Strong and brave? I am feeling very weak and like an Idiot!

    I don’t want any of you to change who and how you are, I love you for you, but please be patient with me. Please just a little, try to understand.

    Don’t ASK if you can help because it really hurts me deep inside. I want to tell you, I am trying, but I have no strength left to jump over my shadow.

    Thank you for trying, I hope you never think that it’s not appreciated because it DOES mean the world to me! One day I hope I can make it all up to each and every one of you. You, the few people in my life that I love with all that I am.

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