Love should come with a manual, a pamphlet or brochure at the very least.
Instructions, or warnings. Maybe a to-do list to help you get prepared.
It is such a tricky, crafty, scary, wonderful, terrifying, amazing, beautiful, awe inspiring thing.
One minute, you feel like you are on top of the world, and then, in one moment, your entire foundation can be crumbling beneath you.
And yet… three simple words can rebuild that foundation and return you to the top of the world, spirit soaring above everything.
“I love you”.
It is crazy how those three words can patch a broken and bleeding heart, they can make even the most non-sensical thing make perfect sense. When you tell me that you love me, my world gets brighter, feels safer, has more meaning than it did before. When you tell me that you love me, as cliche as it sounds, my heart beats a little bit faster, and I know that I glow. I can’t help it, your love means everything to me.
Your love builds me, builds my foundation, keeps me centered.
On the same hand…. you have the power to destroy my heart, to shatter it into a million shards that can never be pieced back together. You have the power to crush me, to make me feel like I cannot get up out of bed in the morning, to bleach all the color from my world… to leave me in shades of gray.
I don’t always know how to deal with that, which is why a manual would come in pretty handy.
I know I make mistakes, I know I hurt you… I even hurt me sometimes. It is just such a … huge feeling to try and keep contained inside of me. Sometimes it scares me, this love I have for you. It scares me to realize how much I need you, how much my world depends on you.
Love isn’t easy. It isn’t always the safe, comfortable choice. I’ve learned that it can be scary as hell. Trusting someone with that much of yourself, it is a difficult thing. Knowing that they can break you to pieces, make the sky fall down around your ears, make you feel so cold inside you’d swear you harbored Antarctica in there, that can be the most terrifying feeling in the world.
I’ve learned, though, that it is worth it. Trusting someone with that much of yourself, and in turn, having them entrust that much of themself to you… it is magic. No… not like… magician, slight of hand magic, or like the magic they talk about in fairytales. It is a better kind of magic… simple, every day, ordinary… extraordinary magic. It is like the ‘magic’ you feel while watching a sunset, or early in the morning when you find a spiderweb completely bejeweled by dew. It is solid, it is real, it is right there for you and everyone to see, it is an almost tangible thing.
And yet…. it remains such a mystery. For all it’s every day, ordinary-ness, it’s simplicity… it is still so confusing, complicated, and mind boggling sometimes.
You’d think, with all the philosophers throughout the years, SOMEONE would have come up with a manual, right?
But… maybe that is what makes it so wonderful, that it is completely beyond any sort of pre-set, pre-determined path, that it is exciting and new each time someone falls in love, that it is different for every single person.
Maybe it is BECAUSE there is no manual to help guide us through being loved and loving in return that it is so special, beautiful and miraculous every time it happens. Maybe it is a gift that we are all left to fend for ourselves in that department.
After all… if there was a manual… I’m sure everyone would have read it by now, and then no one would ever be amazed by those feelings when they fell in love. That would truly be a shame, for love should always be seen with amazement, and awe, and respect, and hope, and joy, and every single other emotion that love encompasses, the good and the bad.
I started this letter really thinking that a manual would be a good thing, that it might help me make less mistakes, might help me know how to deal with love a little bit better, but now… I’m not so sure.
Love is a journey, it is not something that can be summed up in a simple letter, or book, or manual or pamphlet or brochure. Not even with a to-do list.
It is perfect, it falls apart just so that it can be put back together again, it falls apart so that it can strengthen itself. It is joy and sorrow, it is waking up every morning with a reason to smile, it is putting another person before you, it is that hand that reaches for your’s in the middle of the night. It is a bond deeper than any words could ever begin to describe.
Love is everything. And nothing. It is there in the moments of quiet, when you think you are alone. It is there in your moments of triumph, when it celebrates with you. It is there when sorrow eats away at you, working furiously to re-build your world as it crumbles around you.
Love, as much as it scares me, is always worth it. I am so glad that I can experience these feelings with wonder and joy. I am so glad there is no manual to tell us how to deal with this!