After everything, I still loved him. He broke me, he built me back up, he takes me to the highest highs and the lowest lows. We have been through almost everything there is to be through in a relationship; cheating, a pregnancy scare, a broken heart, long distance. I have been through a ton with him. The only problem is, I still love him. Is that wrong? Is that masochistic? I told him tonight for the first time, since the winter break ordeal, that I love him still. I always have loved him. I never stopped. Even when we were completely broken. I can’t even stop loving him.
He is the most amazingly frustrating, beautifully disastrous, wonderfully infuriating thing that has ever happened to me. And I love every moment that we’re together. He is terribly amazing, awfully caring, and he has this horrid habit of saying the right things at the right times, and the wrong things at the wrong times. But I love him. I can’t help it. There’s something about the way he looks at me before he grabs my face to kiss me and the way he holds me when I’m crying, or maybe it’s the way he talks me to sleep when I’m tense or had a bad day.
I’m not broken. I’m healing. I told him that I loved him- out loud. That’s a big step for me. I have never been so terrified to tell anyone that I love them, but with him, I feel like it gives him all that he needs to break me at any given moment. But I did it. I gave him that piece. I gave him that piece of me that he could potentially destroy me with, but I trust him not to.
I know no one understands why I am still with him. But I truly love him. I know everyone thinks he’s bad for me. I do. I get it. I see it, even. I have a thousand reasons why I shouldn’t have stayed with him. The thing is, I have two thousand reasons why I did stay with him. I can’t get anyone to see it from my point of view. No one understands. Everyone says I should have dropped him the moment I found out. I keep hoping that one of these days I’m going to tell someone and they’re going to understand everything. I just need someone to understand where I’m coming from. How can a person be the worst thing for you, and yet the only thing you want or feel like you need?