I came to a crossroad this past week. A second chance was given. I’ve finally made my decision to never turn around, but keep walking forward towards new dreams.
I can never go back to that dark tunnel. I’m moving forward and closing this for good. He never made me happy, and I could never be the person that he wanted when all I had to give was me.
This summer would have been four years. Where did the time and memories go to? It all reminds me of a distant nightmare that vaguely still plagues my mind, but is slowly fading away. Has it really been that long? It hasn’t. It just seems like that…the time we’ve been apart.
While I don’t allow sadness or tears to escape me all the time anymore there is a huge rip taking place inside my heart right now. It was designed to never be ripped from that other person when two lives commit to each other. Some wonder if there is pain. Yes, but it goes so much deeper than that…it’s a feeling of enveloping loss…of trying for so long to hold onto something that couldn’t be grasped…that couldn’t be fixed by seeing hands.
The grave feeling of trying to fill in that hole that one person has filled for the last 3.5 years still is sitting there like a laceration on a leg. They say time heals all wounds. But this wound this flesh was never supposed to be opened or ripped apart. It’s like experiencing the death of a loved one. Except I’ll be carrying around the memory of this person for the rest of my life, and he will be alive somewhere…living a completely different life.
It’s like trying to ask a 85-year-old man to explain how he feels over the loss of his wife. It’s beyond explanation. It’s beyond comprehension. It’s beyond memories. No words can describe the loss of something that touched my life for a few years. It will never be the same. There will always be a part of me that carries the memory of him with me.
I don’t expect anyone to understand. Our story was complex, long, and it did not have a happy ending like some would hope it to be… including us. It’s time now to move forward, but he… he will have left an impression…a laceration if you will…that will never be forgotten.