• riddle me this, please

    by  • February 29, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments

    Dear Cosmo,

    Eight months. That’s how long it’s been since we’ve really talked, and since that one night that changed everything. Sure, I’ve seen you a couple of times since then, but it hasn’t been the same. no, even though you’ll say hi to me, you then go on and act like I’m not there, then stare at me when we’re near each other, then pass right by me and look away like I’m a shadow and nothing more.
    Please, just make up your mind.
    Make up you’re mind what you think about me.
    Realize that we both know it’s not the same like it used to be and stop pretending that it’s always been like this, because it hasn’t. We used to be close friends, then one day you changed that by making out with me. I was telling you the truth when I said I didn’t believe you were being serious, because of being teased about you for so long by too many people to name. But you weren’t kidding and you were the one to start this, but you won’t end it. How was I supposed to know how to respond to you? I thought it was a good idea asking two days later if everything was okay between us, but apparently not. Because the way you interpreted it, you responded that we should just be friends.
    Well, no shit. We already were.
    But after that, it changed a little. It got awkward. But what do you expect after that? After five months of not seeing you of course I expected it to be different, but not like this. Not like you pretending we never actually talked, like this past summer never happened. So then three more months pass, and this weekend we saw each other again. I was genuinely happy to see you, and I wish I could say the same for you but I can’t. It would be a lie. But right now, the line of what’s truth and lies are blurred, and I want to know the truth of where everything stands between us. But just the idea of me bringing this up to you is laughable. If you barely say two words to me now, then what would happen if I tried to talk to you about this? Last time I tried that it only made matters worse, so that option is out. I do have two other options though:
    1: stop caring about you. that’s much easier said than done.
    2: somehow make you stop pretending and ignoring me. But the problem is, this one’s my fault too. What on earth are we supposed to say to each other? I know you don’t have an answer for that, so you just ignore the question.
    I do have a point, you know. This isn’t just a letter to tell you what you already know; it’s to tell you what you don’t know.

    You don’t know that I want us to be friends again, and want you to know that above anything. I have a feeling that you think I like you a lot more than that, which I won’t deny, but right now I can’t ask for more than that.

    you don’t know that you drive my head crazy constantly, and the only way right now that I can tell to stop this is for you to say a couple of words to me. That would help me immensely, and I’ll tell you why:

    You don’t know that the one feeling I most associate with you is regret. I regret losing our friendship any anything else that might have been real. I regret making both our lives a little more complicated than they really have to be. I regret not figuring out what was in my head before I asked you about yours. I regret losing you from my life.

    You don’t know that every time you look at me, I get a little happier, and then sad because I know I’m only getting my hopes up over something lost. My hopes of getting you back into my life are gone, and I don’t know if I want them to be.

    You don’t know that every time I seen you I want to say something to you, but I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t, I jut don’t have the ability to say something without regretting it later.

    You don’t know how much it drives me crazy to never know what you think about me. And I can never ask.

    But there are also things I don’t know either. I don’t know what you think about me. I don’t know exactly what I think about you. To be honest, I don’t think either of us knows much about this, about each other anymore. I want to change that, but I need your help. That’s not happening right now, but I wish it would. i don’t feel like that’s too much to ask, but still i can never actually find out from you.

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