My thoughts drifted to you today, even though they shouldn’t. I was listening to Elliot Smith’s “Question Mark,” and he sings of love and honesty, two things I guess we didn’t give to each other.
Well, we did have love, even if it was platonic on your side.
I know you probably think I’m crazy. I unfriended you, and then I emailed you. I should have done it in the reverse order. The truth is, I didn’t have enough courage to tell you why I was unfriending you. I just couldn’t look at your face every day and have that visual reminder that you were still there and just unattainable.
I know that I hurt you, and you hurt me and there’s nothing I can do about that. I’m working on forgiveness, but it is so hard to forgive yourself for something that you’ve lost. I lost you, because you hurt me and I wanted to hurt you back. I have not forgiven myself for that, and I probably never will. I honestly thought enough time had passed, and we could be friends but the pain was and still is all encompassing when I see you. When I think that you wouldn’t even answer a simple email by me, it makes me sad and it makes me want to let go of you completely. I just wish I knew how to do that.