You are so confusing. After all this time you want to get back together with me? I’ve been praying about it, but I just have a very bad feeling about it all. All the heartache, the crying, the fighting, the emotional abuse comes sweeping back to me like yesterday. I don’t know anymore. You were my first for everything. But I don’t know. I feel like if I said yes I would be making a death sentence to my life and who I am as a person.
But the first thing that comes to mind is after a couple of years after we tied the knot you did something that broke my faith in you.
We were on the floor. You were wanting to make love. I consented even though I was very tired and just gotten back from work. You became very aggressive. You scared me. Suddenly I took my hands and pushed your chest away. I said, “No. Please wait a minute I’m not sure I’m ready.” You didn’t listen. You moved faster. I said, “No. Please stop.” You continued. My body tightened and tensed and everything inside of suddenly wanted out.
You grabbed at my clothes. I forced back the tears. I tried to fight you off. You said, “It’s okay. I’ll stop if you want me too.” I said, “Yes. I want you to stop.” You nodded and said that you would do what I wanted. I breathed a sigh of relief.
But it was short lived. You didn’t stop. You pulled my pants down. Without warning you came in and took me. I remember looking at your face as you did what you wanted. I had trusted you with my life…with everything. But you weren’t listening to my heart.
It was a nightmare. Your face resembled desire and the need to take. Numb and unable to stop you I just let you take me all the rest of the way. I lay there motionless afterwards. You lay on top of my body. You looked down at me. I couldn’t suppress the tears any longer and ran to the bathroom to cry.
The bathroom door was closed. You apologized on the other side of the door and I sat near the toilet crying. My faith in you was broken and I felt violated. I turned on the water and took a really long shower… scrubbing every inch of me. I had loved you. I had trusted you with all that I had left to trust with. It was all gone then.
That is just one instance that comes to mind…. one of many that broke my heart in two time and time again. I have already forgiven…but I just don’t know if I can risk taking the leap again and trying just one more time…
When you took your stand and I finally was allowed to start healing and moved away…for the first time I felt hope and finding the light at the end of the tunnel… but ever since you mentioned that you wanted me back…even after praying all I can see is darkness at the end of the tunnel…
A life without love
A life again without peace
A life again without hope
And yet after all these thoughts I’m still thinking about going back. What is wrong with me?
Can anyone tell me if trying again is the right step? I just don’t know anymore….