Dear No One,
These are my words; whether they are my last or not, I don’t know. It shouldn’t matter. I wish I could explain the feelings the swarm inside me. The little diseases that won’t go away. They grow and multiply. They leave me curled, cringing at my stomach, screaming, and weeping in my bed. The feeling of emptiness, for lack of a better word. My heart pounds according to biology. But according to life, it was replaced by a black hole. It sucks in everything inside me. I no longer have control over what I do. What happens happens.
What I wish is forsaken. What I want won’t come. A longing for an existence that doesn’t exist. Do yoo feel me? Can yoo feel me? Can yoo see into my mind and the way it works? It proceeds or recedes in a disorderly fashion.
The doctors said I’m crazy.
What do they know?
They know what they were told.
And who told them?
More people who told people who told people. Was the information passed down correctly? Who is to say that the person who first said it was right? Now we have to deal with the misconception of truth. What is truth? There is no true truth. We know what we have been told. What we haven’t been told is not true to us. Surely yoo can’t believe what yoo don’t know. So if everybody doesn’t know a truth, does that make it false?
Think about it.
Truth is now false. But what is false? How am I to say what is true and false? Believe what yoo will. I am not saying this to make yoo believe me. I am writing this to show yoo a glimpse of the beliefs and thoughts that travel through my mind at a constant basis. What else is there to write but yor own thoughts?
I’m sorry if I am boring yoo. Yoo needn’t to read this. Now where were we?
Death. So have yoo ever been on that edge of life and death? Have yoo ever seen the other side? Have yoo ever given up to the point of no return and been yanked back to this godforsaken life?
I was gone. I was sure of it. It was black. But it was light. I could see what I can’t see. I could feel what I shouldn’t feel. I was scared. I think. And then I had the brilliant punishment of awaking cold, wet, naked, shivering, and covered in blood and puke. I almost made it. I have said goodbye many times. I’ve tried to leave. I’ve tried my damn hardest but I’m still here. I don’t know why I am here. Right now I just believe that I am here just to be here. What I will be needed for will come. Until then I will still yearn for it back. I will hope and wish for the riddance of the hollowness again.
The problem is not finding that escape it is finding a new one. My only wish is to not exist and yet I am still here. I can’t have what I want so is there another way? Yes. Kinda. I know how to escape feelings. I still can’t stay away for too long though. I can’t feel other feelings. I can just escape feelings.
Have yoo ever felt nothing? Do yoo even understand what nothing is? Do yoo know what it is like to feel nothing? It’s another feeling all together, or lack thereof. I guess what I am trying to say is I feel like shit. For some reason when I say I feel like shit no one listens. No one listens anyways though. Goodbye.