• What Now?

    by  • February 28, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Confusion • 0 Comments

    The three of us are best friends, right? We have lots of other collective friends that we say are our best friends too but we’ve always been the closest. So when I started to have these feelings for you that I didn’t want, I ignored them. I decided that it was just because we spent so much time together and we knew each other so well. I didn’t even tell our other best friend because I figured she’d think I was crazy. So I pushed the tiny little feelings that I was feeling down, no harm done.

    But then we started to hang out more often one on one. Sometimes you would say things that gave me butterflies, like that I was beautiful or that I meant a lot to you. I ignored it.

    Then I started to notice that when our skin touched, I felt electricity course through me. That when I was looking into your eyes, I realized that I didn’t want to look away. And neither did you. I started to catch you staring at me for a little to long, I noticed the way you held my gaze and brushed your leg against mine underneath the table.

    So I started to get hopeful. I thought, “Hey, this guy is my best friend and we have so much fun together, if we gave it a shot, this could turn into a great relationship.”

    But then you started going out with her. And I’m using the term ‘going out’ loosely. It was basically just hooking up. But regardless, it made me inexplicably jealous. I didn’t even want to see you with her so I would look away when you walked past together and I would tune out your stories about her.

    She ended it when she started going out with someone else, and I gotta say, I was kind of relieved. But I thought about it long and hard and I decided that our friendship wasn’t worth risking. So I buried my feelings again and I really thought that it wouldn’t bother me. For a while it didn’t.

    Then we went on a road trip together, just the two of us. Thinking back, it wasn’t a good idea. The place we went was secluded and earthy and beautiful. It was hard not to think about romance and relationships and finding new love. So on the way home, after an entire day of wondering what you were thinking while you were holding my gaze and making me blush, I confessed. I told you that I sometimes wondered what it would be like to be more than friends. I even said that I knew it was a bad idea and that we shouldn’t, but I just needed you to know. I expected something. Even you freaking out because were practically siblings would have been better than what you said. Which was nothing. You said absolutely nothing. You giggled through the awkwardness and left me totally hanging.

    The mixed signals and the confused feelings continued. I even thought that something was gonna happen on New Years Eve, but it was interrupted.

    So on Saturday, we were at that party. And we were having such a good time laughing and dancing and hanging out with our friends. I was pushing the feelings down as far as they would go so that I didn’t do anything stupid.
    I was outside having a smoke with our other best friend, my best girl friend, when some other girls came out and started telling her that you thought she was really hot and that you were into her. I had no idea what to do.

    I made up an excuse and rushed inside to the bathroom so try to sort out the mess in my head. What was I supposed to do? I was so crushed, I felt so stupid, most of all I felt ridiculous for being so upset by this. Why should I care what you think about her? Its not like I had some sort of claim on you, its not like we were anything more than friends.

    Then the night turned into a huge mess. I was upset and trying to hide it but no one was really buying it. Then the best friend that you said was hot became upset because she thought I was mad at her. All the while you were completely oblivious to what was happening.

    So now I don’t know what to do. I can’t avoid you because then you would start to ask questions. I can’t talk to our third best friend because then I would have to explain all of this to her. I can’t talk to you about this because it’s embarrassing and I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I can hardly look you in the eye and I don’t know how to have a conversation with you.

    You’re my best friend, I love you to the moon and back, but this is turning out to be too much for me to handle. The thought of losing you completely breaks my heart, the thought of telling you how I’m feeling makes my stomach knot up so much that I can’t even speak. The only thing to do is to pretend this never happened, but that’s going to be so hard. So what do I do? Who do I talk to? What now?

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