• the last straw..maybe

    by  • February 28, 2012 • * Safe for Work *, Breaking Up • 3 Comments

    i can’t make decisions
    i am not independent.
    i cant leave him
    i need him to leave me
    i need him to tear me apart
    because this relationship is killing me
    the distance is killing me
    and its not only that
    i feel like hes not making any effort
    like it doesnt even matter to him
    he would never admit this
    but if he cared …
    i feel like i would be more of a priority
    i feel like he should fight for me
    if he really loves me
    so why can’t i do it
    why can’t i break all ties
    sometimes i think it’s because i don’t want to be alone
    but i know i love him
    i know i’d do anything to be with him
    but that’s not enough is it
    he has to show me that he’s willing to do the same
    is this my insecurities
    is this trust issues
    i don’t know
    i can’t tell anymore
    and i feel helpless

    it’s the difference between leaving somewhere you don’t want to be, and going somewhere you do want to be….

    but i want to be with him
    i do
    but we aren’t together…we are so far
    i don’t think he’s as committed as i am

    but what’s the point in leaving
    do i stay and wait and wait and wait to see if this goes somewhere

    or do i leave for the no one that i’m going to meet
    no one like him at least

    can i really leave and go back to being that girl that is such a mess and all over the place with different men who don’t give a shit about her?

    this is not what a relationship should feel like is it?
    like my heart is breaking all the time

    i don’t know what to do

    this does not make any sense on paper
    -and it doesn’t make sense in my head either

    3 Responses to the last straw..maybe

    1. Rose
      February 28, 2012 at 10:56 am

      Have you tried talking to him about the future?

    2. ariel
      February 29, 2012 at 11:52 pm

      it really doesn’t make any sense
      i know..
      but, here i am still waiting.
      for how long? i really don’t know.

      i tried ignoring him, his messages,
      i even deleted him from my timeline.
      but then i miss him
      miss his face, his smile..
      oh! i hate it!

      now we are again talking 🙁

    3. J
      March 1, 2012 at 4:55 pm

      i have been through exactly what you described. the distance, the hesitation on his part that you can’t explain. instead of finding fault with him you find it in yourself. a half-relationship won’t fill your heart with the joy that it should. you need to end it. allow yourself to see if he cares about you, if he comes after you. if he cares about you, he will. if he wants to be with you, he will. it is possible that he’s just shy, nervous, but that doesn’t really sound like him does it?

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