Last night I couldn’t sleep and I didn’t know why. There was so much buzzing around in my head: snatches of songs, random thoughts, images of you and I, images of you with other people, images of ME with other people. I couldn’t take it, and I did the only thing I could think of to make sense of it all.
I haven’t done it since I was 16, swore I’d never do it again because last time someone saw and all the drama that followed was just so not worth it. People thinking I was a danger to myself, endless rounds of counsellors. It was bullshit. I knew exactly what I was doing and why, and I wasn’t a danger to myself.
But then last night, while sleepless, restless, and wondering how to clear my mind, I knew what I needed to do. And I finally figured out the one place I could do it where no one would ever see, since I’m not sleeping with anyone. So I did it. And it felt amazing. My head cleared instantly.
I know I used to go off at you for doing it, hated seeing the faded ladders up the inside of your arm. But then, I firmly believe you did it for the attention. Because if you didn’t want people to know about it, you would have hidden it way better, like I’m doing now.
I actually kind of like the angry lines on my pelvis. I tossed and turned in my sleep as usual after that, and everytime my underwear pulled at the weeping lines I got another stab of clarity.
But the thing that gave me the most satisfaction of all is the small D carved into my hip. Because finally the pain you cause me is linked to something tangible, something that makes sense.