If I tried to sit down and really write you a letter I’m sure I’d fail because I have the worst time putting my feelings into words when it comes to you. You make me so frustrated sometimes and you have hurt me more times than I could imagine possible. And I’m sure that that sentence alone makes you wonder why I would even care about you or hold onto you, and frankly I don’t have any idea either. But what I do know is this: you make me laugh and smile more than most people and it’s not the cheesy kind, it’s genuine and easy. You aren’t my whole world but you are one of the people who has changed it and you’ve most definitely left your mark (both the good and bad kind). I want to be better after we have one of our talks. Not the kind of better that makes me feel as if I need to live up to your ideas but the kind of better that makes me want to go home and discover something new about myself because you pushed me to believe that I could. I know we’ve never dated and probably never will but God, I wish we had. We could be wonderful together but I can’t make you feel the way that I do, I just wish I had figured this out when our roles were reversed. I think I may have missed out on what could have been a life changing relationship, whether we had lasted for the long haul or not. And I don’t mean that you haven’t changed my life, because you have but I think instead of just loving you I would have been able to fall IN love with you and that could have been an amazing journey.
What’s so sad about all of this is that I have these undeniable feelings for you even though, at times, you’ve treated me like a random girl on the street. I don’t really know how you flip your switch so easily and so quickly but you do. I wish you could see how this whole situation has been hurting me and continues to. You always talk about how much your friends mean to you and how you would never want to hurt them. If that’s true then why are you doing this to me? I need answers, real ones. But I know you’re never going to give them to me. I don’t want to be just friends anymore and you don’t want to be in a relationship with me; so here we are. What do we do now? I can’t go back to just friends because we’ve never been that and since you don’t want more it seems like it may come to us going our separate ways. I doubt any of how I feel has even crossed your mind because I keep it all to myself but this is seriously what it’s coming down to for me.
It’s going to come to a point where I can’t take it anymore and because you didn’t take the time to work this out with me, probably because you couldn’t make up your mind on what you wanted, we might lose one of the best friendships. I need your help, so please show you care.
I know what this is –
it’s waking up at 2am,
to the sound of it cracking.
At noon when it’s aching with hunger,
at all the other times when
it’s crying in it’s quiet solitude.
Oh, I know what it is,
and I’m sure you do too.