To: My rapist
From: The angry 12 year old whose life you changed.
It’s been 9 years since you raped me. You took something from me, something so basic that everyone in their life is granted. You took not only my literal virginity, by way of my hymen, but you also took the ability to love and have hope. In these 9 years since you, as a 19 year old adult, raped me in a fucking alley, I have never been able to trust a man with my whole self. I am constantly terrified of men, which is extremely problematic, especially when you live in a city with un-even proportions towards men-women. I hate that everytime I have sex now, the moment before I relax into his arms, I hate him for something he has never done. You have ruined so much of my life, but I just can’t let you win. Every day, I grow a little bit stronger. It might seem stupid to someone who equates sex with power/control, but I am going to get over this self-hatred, the stunted sexual appetite, and the fear of losing control. I hope that you are somewhere, thinking about what you took from a 12 year old. I hope it’s worth to you that you took candy from a baby, to use a hyperbole. I believe that everything comes around, but I wouldn’t wish what you did to me to happen to you. I hope that you have a daughter someday that talks to you about sex, and you have to be fucking terrified that someone like you is around her. I hope nothing happens to this purported daughter, but I do hope that you live every single day in terror.